“No” is a very harsh categorical word, and as you know, the words we use determine our thinking and worldview. Let's take, for example, what we are accustomed to consider objectively dangerous: sockets, irons, household chemicals, and think: is it completely impossible? Never ever? No way? And then it suddenly turns out that you can “rustle” in the outlet, if you first put on rubber gloves, take tools with handles made of insulating material - and, of course, if there is a need to fix or correct something there. And someday the day will come when a grown-up child will have to pick up a bottle of cleaning product for the first time and, say, clean the sink. That is, we repeat, for every action there is a context where it will be appropriate and appropriate. A person with a flexible, “mobile”, free thinking, which, by the way, a child possesses from birth, easily navigates the situation and instantly finds the most suitable and effective behavior among the available options. But if he takes some options and blocks them, a completely different story begins, he has to choose from what is in the public domain, and the necessary behavior for this particular situation may not be there, because someone once labeled him “impossible!” The ban seems to be aimed at cutting off unacceptable behavior options for the child and thereby protecting him. However, firstly, unacceptable - from whose point of view and in what specific context? And secondly, who will undertake to assert with confidence in the light of the above that a person who has part of his internal experience blocked will be able to act appropriately to the situation and thereby ensure the notorious safety for himself? About how events develop in the case of an internal conflict based on “ it’s impossible,” we wrote a little higher. Let’s imagine a baby who came into this world quite recently and now learns how things work here. Often at this stage, children become familiar with the concept of “no”. Getting to know new concepts is certainly necessary, but here, as elsewhere, there are some nuances. The child reaches for the socket and is told “not allowed.” The child reaches for the parent’s laptop and is told “not allowed.” A child wants to touch a hot iron - and hears “no”. The child wants to take a closer look at his mother’s gold pendant - and hears “no”. Asks for candy before dinner - “...”. Wants to go home with another baby’s toy under his arm – again “...”. And it turns out that a single definition of “impossible” includes actions that are very different in nature and possible consequences. There is no division between 1) actions that are dangerous for a child (such as: picking at a socket, standing on a windowsill near an open window, touching household chemicals, running out onto the road), 2) actions that may entail (but do not necessarily entail!) what -these are unpleasant consequences for parents and other adults (these are games with jewelry, expensive equipment) and 3) actions that - well, to be honest - can only lead to the fact that parents, due to their own upbringing, will experience some kind of then discomfort in society (this includes crying in public, screaming loudly, running, jumping, interest in other people’s things, etc.) And such confusion can disorient a person who does not yet have sufficient life experience. So, as we see, abuse the word “impossible”, firstly, leads to the formation of a kind of “cognitive chaos”, when phenomena and objects, contexts that are completely different in essence in the mind are united on the basis of “impossible”, and then it is necessary to make significant efforts to bring there order, and secondly, it reduces flexibility and speed of reaction to various circumstances of life, blocks a person from certain behavioral options, and in order to overcome this blockade, it is necessary to resolve the internal conflict, and this costs time and personal energy. In addition, this very important to consider, often repeatedA categorical “no” weans a child from focusing on his inner instinct, that very feeling of what is worth doing and what is not, what will be useful for him now and what will not, which he has from birth. (We will talk about this in more detail in subsequent chapters). After all, the child loves his mom and dad very much, and what they tell him is extremely important to him, and if they insist on something like that, then you need to listen to them. And thoughtful parents, of course, will take care to help their son or daughter develop that wonderful, wise feeling that best helps a person walk along his own path in life, keeping the desired course. Develop it - and the ability to feel it, hear it, see it, and be guided by it in your actions. And here a reasonable question arises: how is it that the word “impossible”, with all its undesirable effects, can still be heard on the platforms , both in kindergartens and schools? There are different opinions on this matter: they say, it is “fast”, “convenient”, “effective”. However, the most obvious and deepest reason is that... it's habitual. Yes, yes, strict “no” is such a part of the tradition of upbringing: we were told “no” by our mothers and fathers, because they themselves were once told “no” by their grandparents, because... Etc. And, of course, we will not look for the guilty and find out “who started it first”; this is a useless and thankless task. The question is how we ourselves will raise our children. Because there are things that can only be done “with your eyes closed”, without thinking. And if a person thinks about such things, then, of course, he will begin to look for and find other, more effective options for behavior. And of course, when parents choose other, more flexible and respectful ways of explaining certain phenomena to the child, he, growing up, not only gains the necessary life experience, but also increases and develops that very natural flexibility of thinking that is necessary for life in this world. For example, one of the acceptable options in everyday communication with a child is to replace “you can’t!” to “please don’t do that because...” The difference is obvious. A parent who asks (!) a child not to do something for one reason or another (!!), firstly, shows him respect, and secondly, at the same time explains the connections between life phenomena and helps him understand the world. And this explanation does not take much time and requires much less effort than it might seem at first glance. And in such a situation, the benefit for both is obvious: the child gets the opportunity to learn something new about how parts of this world interact, and the parent ultimately receives... warmth and respect. Yes yes exactly. Respectful and warm attitude - because children model their parents, and receiving respect and warmth from their parents, they themselves learn to respect them and show warmth and care in relationships. Of course, we do not encourage you to indulge in detailed explanations in a situation where a small child wants to examine a working iron or stomps towards a busy roadway. What is appropriate in one context may be harmful in another. And at the same time, when the situation is already under control: the iron is out of reach, the baby is in your arms or turned in the opposite direction from the moving cars - this is where you can explain why exactly you don’t need to do this or that. Explain calmly and thoughtfully - and truthfully, without any horror stories. Because parents help the child form an initial idea of ​​the world, and it is very important that it be as complete and adequate to reality as possible. We can give them something that will help them act flexibly and effectively in any circumstances. This is where the importance of trust is realized. Because when a parent trusts a child, when he is confident that his son or daughter will cope perfectly with any tasks that life presents to them, then the child grows up with a basic sense of self-confidence, easily and flexibly finds the most effective solutions, and, of course applies to