From the author: Natalya Anatolyevna, good afternoon! Accept the patient, please)) I’ll start with the fact that I’ve been married for 13 years, we dated for 3 years before getting married. Two children. Now I am 34. For the last almost 3 years we have been living like neighbors. It happens that what we received for free is more expensive than what is expensive. People write, I answer - as I think - the truth, just like in a paid consultation, but a little tougher, in order to reach feelings through letters and the screen. Question: Natalya Anatolyevna, good afternoon! Accept the patient, please)) Let me start by saying that I have been married for 13 years, we dated for 3 years before the wedding. Two children. Now I am 34. For the last almost 3 years we have been living as neighbors. And if at first I really wanted to save our relationship, I tried to get through with conversations, actions, etc., then then I let go of the situation. I took care of myself (in general, I never forgot about myself - I always had sports, I had an athletic figure, systematically took care of myself, I read a lot), I began to pay more attention to my interests, I had my own social circle, there was no rapprochement anyway. Gradually, communication with mutual friends stopped. I took courses, understood how to act, began to apply it, it began to work in some way, but I came to the conclusion that I no longer needed it. I realized that there was always an emotionally and physically cold person nearby, well, that’s how he is, but I can’t live without tactile contact, affection and tenderness, this is incredibly important to me. But I don’t want one-sided action! At the same time, he often acted like an egoist - he did everything for his beloved - things for himself, organize a vacation for himself, leisure - and the family is a household thing and so we see each other every day... And all the years, well, or the last half of our years together, I put on a good face at a bad game -for yourself, for those around you, for everyone and everything...it's sad. It was my choice, all by myself. And here I have questions that I can’t find an answer to - maybe I’m used to everything being bad, for some reason this suited me? (Maybe childhood trauma - my parents haven’t lived together since I was 3 years old, my father doesn’t communicate with my sister and me, I still can’t understand how this is possible? Why can’t I communicate with my own children?, this upset me for a long time , has now been released). Maybe I myself created a relationship in which I found a guilty husband and take my childhood grievances onto him? I can’t live without this, and will I start looking for a new victim in a new relationship? Or is it just the wrong one next to me, and I’m not the one for him? How to understand and understand this? Now we live as neighbors... from time to time I try to stop this, but I retreat. We don't quarrel in front of the children, or rarely. It seems to me that sometimes in any family a child witnesses a quarrel between parents. And if I’m left alone, it will be harder for me; I’ll lash out at them, it will be worse. He is a good father, his children love him very much. He doesn’t want to leave, he wants to live with the children. And I am only the mother of his children, well, sometimes he can consult, after all, we are not strangers after so many years. Like a brother and sister... As a woman, I haven’t touched him for a long time. He can calmly say - build your life, look for someone else. And I started “searching”. Men often get acquainted and we start communicating. I feel genuine interest, sympathy, sparks. Without bringing the relationship to serious moments, I talk about my children, I’m proud of it. I also think that it’s fair to tell a man about this that serious feelings have not yet arisen. Especially if he has no children. Maybe this is too naive and ingenuous a position, and I’m doing it wrong tactically, that’s how honest I am, at least for now))) And then a cooling occurs. Just yesterday he wanted to meet, he wrote 10 times, and then oops...-yes-yes, he told me, children are great, I love children! But the attitude is no longer the same, the man becomes thoughtful, and this situation freezes me out, and I run. I quietly merge, ahead of him, perhaps. Away from indecision. But he doesn’t catch up)) I understand, we didn’t even have time to really get close, he has every chance of meeting a girl without children and experiencing everything for the first time together. But this situation makes me feel second-class. This is the secondThe question is, how to perceive such situations without becoming overgrown with complexes? There were a lot of questions, probably, if I get answers to some of them, I will be very grateful! Sincerely, Olga _______________________________ My colleague and my intern Alevtina Popkova answers this letter. This is the second letter that Alevtina is working with as part of my project, I didn’t choose it for her on purpose, it just so happened, and she did an excellent job - she analyzed it and raised it, perhaps , all the psychological layers that exist in this situation. There is something to rely on in understanding what is happening and in making decisions about the future. Answer from Alevtina Popkova. Hello, Olga! I read your letter about 30 times and heard despair and fatigue in it. It seemed like you were huddled in a corner, comparing plans with reality, and you simply don’t understand what to do now or how to get out of the corner. I really wanted to hug you by the shoulders and turn you around so that you could look back and understand that there are many possibilities and exit options. I also want to tell you that everything is not as bad as you thought. And now I will try to do this. Let's look, first, to the right: here is your marital relationship of 16 years. They were a lot of things, and thanks to them you have two children of whom you are certainly proud. There is a husband whom you once loved for being who he is. But during your relationship, his portrait was transformed in your mind and began to resemble the works of Pablo Picasso (all of his paintings consist of a number of combined planes). You write that he was always emotionally and physically cold, and you lacked tactile sensations, but nevertheless you gave birth to two children from him, with whom your husband has an excellent relationship and they love each other very much. You write that he is selfish, but at the same time you talk about what a wonderful father he is, and that you always had a lot of time for yourself. You write that for half of your life together you put on a good face at a bad game (and that’s about 6.5 years), but at the same time you understand that something still holds you to this person. Maybe it’s the fear of being alone, of course, but maybe it’s the feeling of a strong, confident shoulder nearby? I dare to suggest that long-standing grievances distorted the image of your husband and at some point you stopped understanding where he is and where his distortion is. This confusion led to your relationship going wrong. Let’s unwind and figure it out: “perhaps I’m used to everything being bad, for some reason it suited me? (Maybe childhood trauma - my parents haven’t lived together since I was 3 years old, my father doesn’t communicate with my sister and me, I still can’t understand how this is possible? Why can’t I communicate with my own children?, this upset me for a long time , now it’s already let go)” Perhaps. Or perhaps not. Each person decides for himself what is bad for him and what is “in principle, normal.” Everything is learned by comparison, especially since “bad” is a very subjective value. But one thing is clear: if a person is feeling very bad somewhere, then his instinct of self-preservation will lead him to where it is good or at least better. And this means that: A) Not everything has always been “bad” B) There are people who like it when it’s “bad”, then they have additional resources, just as strength appears from the feeling - “I am a victim and must fight for myself!” Listen, take a closer look, does this resonate with you? Do you like it when people feel sorry for you? Maybe you attracted the attention of adults this way when you were a child? This is a very effective model, but short-lived. People see through manipulation very quickly. Try to listen to yourself and understand the reason for your “bad” behavior. Knowing the reason, you can always find a way out. “Maybe I myself created a relationship in which I found a guilty husband and am pouring out my childhood grievances onto him?” And again you need to understand whose image is standing before you: a distorted image of an emotionally and physically cold egoist or the image of a guilty husband? After all, if guilt really takes place, then the reason for its distance becomes clear andcoldness: he was just tired of being guilty. “Or is it just the wrong guy next to me, and I’m not the one for him? How to understand and figure this out?” No one can answer this question for you except yourself. If you feel that there is nothing in common, then most likely “he is not the same, and I am not the same.” But in your case, I saw that there was something in common, but at some point it stopped developing. “And if I’m left alone, it will be harder for me - I’ll take it out on them, it will be worse.” This is the second mention of you leaking something and taking it out on your husband. It is very good that you notice this, because this shows the cyclical nature of your misunderstanding. It seems that you are like people from different countries, each speaking their own language and not understanding each other. In an active search for those to blame for your “badness,” you go through everyone (father, husband, children), but this “badness” sits in you, and the children, of course, have nothing to do with it. “And I’m only the mother of his children, well, sometimes he can also consult, after all, we are not strangers after so many years.” And what do you think a marital relationship should be like? Isn’t marriage a situation where a wife becomes the personification of home comfort, acceptance, wisdom and understanding for her husband? And isn’t this what happens in your relationship? I’m sure this is true, otherwise he wouldn’t come to you for advice. You are definitely a significant person to him. And he shows it with his behavior. You are the mother of his two beloved children - this is what he may feel for you at the moment. For everything else, you need trust and a little lightness, which between you evaporates every day. Disappointed in your relationship with your husband, you decided to turn your head to the left. And there is the unknown world of men! Everyone has their own needs, ambitions and aspirations. And stepping on this path is like opening a portal to a parallel reality: both scary and interesting. “Without bringing the relationship to serious moments, I talk about my children, I’m proud of it. I also think that it’s fair to tell a man about this that serious feelings have not yet arisen. Especially if he doesn’t have children.” Imagine: you meet a man, a spark flares up between you. There is no marriage behind you, you are flighty, frivolous and you want a little adventure (you are in a parallel reality). And then, on the very first date, out of the blue, the man begins to enthusiastically talk about how he spends all his time and money on constructing models from matchboxes and you, no matter how you look at it, will have to share and love this the magical world of cardboard and sulfur. What thought comes first? "Wow! Matchboxes, I love them!!!”? I doubt it... It’s one thing, being already in a relationship, to try on and try to fit boxes into your life, but it’s quite another thing to make a very serious decision that will turn your whole life upside down on the first date. These are your children, this is your pride, but this does not mean that everyone is ready to sacrifice time and freedom for the sake of a whole ready-made family at the beginning, when you so want ease and adventure. Other people's children of a stranger are a colossal responsibility, uncertainty and fear. “The man becomes thoughtful, but this situation freezes me, and I run. I quietly merge, ahead of him, perhaps. Away from indecision. But he doesn’t catch up))” Draw an analogy with matchboxes, and you will understand that, unfortunately, it’s not you who are running away... “I understand, we didn’t even have time to really get close, he has every chance of meeting a girl without children and experiencing everything for the first time together. But this situation makes me feel second-rate.” Believe me, the point is not that someone is trying to experience everything for the first time. In my practice, there are many cases when a woman is asked to marry, knowing about all her children. The point is that “I’ll start looking for a new victim in a new relationship.” As soon as you stop looking for a victim, placing enormous responsibility on a stranger, you will immediately stop feeling second-rate. We looked only to the right and to the left, but in front of you there is an open clear path, and each path has its own forks and intersections, behind which a lot of unexpected andinteresting. Of course, only you have the right to choose which path you take, but remember that wherever you go, the main thing in this matter is to take responsibility for your choice and enjoy it, or admit that you were wrong and turn off at the first the same possibilities, without dwelling on what has been passed. I hope I was able to answer some of your questions. I wish you good luck and healthy risk; often, like the wind of change, it brings new things into life! Answer from Bogdan Natalya Anatolyevna. And now my comment on the letter. Olga, after a detailed analysis of my colleague, I would like to add this (or rather repeat her thoughts, but in other words): Now you can’t do “neither here nor there” , although in both directions (I really liked the play on words about “to the right” and “to the left”))) there is success - and your husband still maintains a relationship with you, respect remains in them, which is very important! and new men are quite interested in themselves... So - the main problem is that you do not make the final choice, you avoid it. You try to sit on two chairs, and in the end you find yourself in a dead end both here and there. Relationship with your husband - you are not ready to end it. It’s as if you are just looking for a new seasoning for your usual, well-established and, in principle, favorite menu. By putting an end to the relationship, by attributing the problem of the crisis of marriage to his coldness and rationality, unromanticism, you cut off your paths and opportunities to look for some new moves, to work on some new options.. And in the end - it’s sad to live with him, and to part with him there is no readiness with him. After all, if you had done “everything you could” in this direction, then there would be no doubts, there would be no regrets... But it’s good if your efforts yield positive results... And if not? - then there would be a feeling of the inevitability of separation and the obligatory feeling in such cases of the loser, the one who could not... and the feeling of his own uselessness to him. Uselessness, uselessness again... And here, as they say, “horseradish is no sweeter than a radish”... All this greatly affects self-esteem, especially if it is unstable. You are trying to find such a “loophole”: to feel attractive through the example of other men and thereby restore your female self-esteem in the family. But this method works, but only for a short time, it does not solve the problem, but only temporarily relieves the pain syndrome... (in cases where there is a spark in the relationship with the husband, this method can fan this spark, but if there is no spark, then there is no fire It will work out. No way) Still, it’s important, I really want to please my husband, because he is a good, interesting, significant person.. What about other men. Here I see the situation like this: having received your portion of the painkiller - attention and interest, you are at a dead end and don’t know how to proceed.. reciprocate? start an affair while your husband is still alive, become an immoral slut? live here and sleep there? yes, all this is unpleasant... and then you, as it were, make a “knight’s move”: You say, almost on the first date - but I have such wonderful children. With this move, you want to get an answer from the man: “yes, I liked you so much that I immediately fell in love not only with you, but also with your children, and I want to marry all three of you at once...” that is, you seem to be setting a condition “access to the body” consent or even the obligation to love not only you, but also your children, and that means starting a family in the future.. Well, it’s the same as you would say - “sex only after the registry office.” There are a small number of men who look at this option positively, but there are very, very few of them (as well as women, by the way). This move, as it may seem from the outside, turns adultery into a search for a new family... And since you haven’t lost your last one yet, here you go nothing works out, the circle is closed. First you say - I’m looking for a seasoning for the main dish, and as soon as someone wants to be this seasoning, you ask in a stern voice - how will you cope with the role of the main dish, if something happens? Of course, it is they who are running away from you, and not you from them... It seems to me that the plan of action that I would