One noble lady once asked a sage: “Your G-d created everything in 6 days, and now where is He, what is He doing?” To which the sage replied: “He connects couples.” The noble lady laughed: And this is an activity for G-d? Yes, I can handle this myself in a moment.” She called her servants, young boys and girls, and immediately divided them into pairs, saying - now you are husband and wife. But the very next day the “couples” came indignant, dissatisfied, and some with a black eye and a broken rib, limping and groaning, begging to be freed from the unpleasant union. Yes, family life did not work out; everything turned out to be not so simple. The way our life works is that everything obeys some rules and laws. Making couples is no exception. Everything is not accidental, and now we will try to clarify this. The driving force behind the development of everything in nature is the presence of deficiency. The main principle of development is the desire to make up for the deficiency, the desire for integrity. If we transfer this principle to human relationships, we can say that people strive for those people in whom - as they feel - there is something that they lack. For us, the disadvantage arises or remains from the parental family. For example, someone did not have enough care, he looks for and finds for himself, as it seems to him, a caring person. If someone lacks the manifestation of warmth and tenderness, again there will be a person who can easily do this - to show tenderness and love. (That’s why I always tell parents who are trying to be ideal: don’t be upset that your children will grow up deprived of something - then they will have the right incentive and desire to create their own family, in which they hope to make up for what their parents did not provide). It would seem, what a beautiful picture - everyone is looking for what they lack, finds, gets what they need, and let everyone be happy. Why do problems arise in families, why do spouses not become corresponding “puzzles” in this picture? In such cases, I always admire the truly wise Russian language. After all, it was necessary to come up with such a way that the word “lack” in Russian means not only what we lack, but also a negative, negative quality. And in our research we find out that, in an effort to make up for a deficiency, we actually “run into” a person’s deficiency and find a partner with a deficiency. But at the beginning we assumed that everything was not accidental. So what shortcomings do we “run into” not by chance? Everyone leaves their parental family with their own experiences, unfinished situations, grievances... And everyone hopes, with the help of a partner in the family, to free themselves from this “burden.” But in reality it turns out that “the scythe found a stone”... Because how do we “free ourselves from the burden”? Right! Taking offense at your partner, as in childhood, seeing his shortcomings and trying with all his might to “re-educate” him. First of all, our energy is directed not at correcting ourselves, but at “changing” our partner. This is how we hope to “fix” our parents. Our partner (partner) becomes a “scapegoat”. Here, for example, is a real story about a young girl who liked a guy precisely because he was demanding, harsh, a little rude, stubborn, and big. They get married and what happens next? His wife no longer likes his stubbornness and demandingness, it’s hard for her to stand it, it hurts her, offends her (after all, it was precisely this attitude of her dad that hurt her in childhood). She wants a gentle and affectionate man nearby (we read “dad”). Moreover, she dreams of a slender, athletic husband (her mother probably regretted that her husband was not an athlete). And what does the husband do? He accomplishes a “feat” - he loses 20 kg, becomes gentle and affectionate, gives her flowers all the time... And what is the result? The wife suddenly realizes that she doesn’t love him like that, she is “sick” of his “tenderness”, now she accuses him of faking it. The man is desperate. He did everything he said