CHILDREN'S FIGHTS: LEARNING TO GIVE BACK OR NOT, AND WHY? “Mom, he pushed me!”, “Mom, she pinched me!”, “Mom, he’s calling me names!”. This picture can often be observed at playgrounds and, for example, during holidays or at a party. What to do in such situations? How to teach a child to stand up for himself? To give back or not to give back to offenders? Family psychologist Marina Gritsai will talk about this. FIGHT, FLY OR DIE Most often, the problem of childhood conflicts begins at about two years of age, when the child is actively socializing and begins to communicate more and more with others. It is then that for the first time parents and children are faced with the problem of whether to fight back or not to fight back. When a child finds himself in a conflict situation, he experiences fear (this is a natural reaction of the body) and reacts to this situation in three ways (animals use similar methods): fight (battle) flight (flight) freeze (freezing) FIGHT (BATTLE) The first method is one of the acceptable options for how to hit back at the offender that a child can afford. In this case, the principle “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” works. That is, if a toy was taken away from you - take it back, you were pushed - push back, they called you names - stand up for yourself with similar words. Please note that this is a method that children can afford. Yes, yes, exactly children, since they are just learning the rules of the civilized world. Also, as was written above, this method of protection is used by animals. Therefore, one of the most important socially acceptable conflict resolution mechanisms among adults is conversation. Exceptions are situations that threaten human life. As the great Chinese martial arts masters said: fight is for fools, victory is for smart people, and peace is for wise people. A two-year-old doesn’t yet know how to negotiate; he still can’t understand whether something really threatens his life now or not. Therefore, the task of parents is at least the following - firstly, be patient; the child will not learn to use constructive methods of defense the first time. Secondly, by your own example, you can teach your child how important it is to be able to talk constructively, as well as objectively evaluate the behavior of the offender and give the most appropriate response. This method of response also includes a method that can be called “breaking the pattern.” For example, when a child is asked to start screaming loudly and the offenders are afraid to approach in advance. Or the child is asked to pretend to be a ninja, but not to lead the situation to a fight. Of course, these methods are best used with children over two years old, when they better understand the rules and their emotional-volitional sphere is more formed. It is important to experiment and try with this response option, as well as supplement it with a great sense of humor. Another way that can be attributed to battle is to ask for help from an elder. In this case, if the child really cannot cope with the offender, the adult can help resolve the situation, and it is the adult who will “fight” in this situation instead of the child. On the other hand, seeking support from an adult can be considered the next way to respond to a conflict situation. FLIGHT A complaint by an adult against an offender can indeed be considered as a situation of flight. And if a child constantly complains to you about others, he needs to be taught a different way to respond to conflict. Teach him to believe in his own strength. For example, to dodge a blow (with two-year-olds it’s more difficult here, the reaction speed is not always high), or to teach how to leave “like an adult”: “It hurts and unpleasantly, I won’t play with you.” FREEZE (FREEZE) In this case, the principle “hit one cheek, turn the other” works. This is the way when a child decides to endure pain andunpleasant situations. From a psychological point of view, this is a dangerous method. Emotional pain cannot be tolerated. The principle “What does not kill us makes us stronger” is not true in this case. It would be more honest to say here: “Everything that doesn’t kill us cripples us.” The method of freezing can be saved only when you need to hide and lie low. If you see that your child has been taken away from a toy or has been offended in some way, and he is just standing there crying, you can tell his offender: “This is Vanya’s toy, and he is still playing with it. As soon as he’s had enough of playing, if he wants, he’ll share it with you” or “You hurt Vanya, it’s unpleasant for him. Most likely he won’t want to play with you now.” The point is to show the child by example how to get out of the “freeze.” EMOTIONAL SIGNIFICANCE OF AN INCIDENT Emotion is a person’s reaction to situations “here and now”, which is expressed by certain behavior. If it is possible to exercise constructive control over an emotion, then as a result the person will have the most acceptable behavior for the given situation (note, not correct, but acceptable). In essence, such a mechanism is a mechanism for awareness and achieving awareness. Adults often find it difficult to control, understand and be aware of their emotions. The concept of developing emotional intelligence is only gaining momentum. What can be said then about children if the adults next to them are just learning to understand their inner world? Accordingly, in a situation of conflict, it is very difficult for a child to act objectively. And since children are more sensitive, their cup of emotional tolerance quickly fills up and the response in this case is, for example, a hit or push from the offender, even if the offender accidentally caused harm. It turns out that a person verbally responds to an insult when he can control himself, or when the situation does not hurt him so much, but responds physically when he has already “boiled” or when his boundaries are actually violated. Children, due to their sensitivity and initial level of development of emotional intelligence, most often resort to the second option. VARIOUS BEHAVIOR AND TEMPERAMENT OF A CHILD One of the characteristics of preschool children is the immaturity of voluntary behavior. Voluntary behavior is the conscious self-regulation of one’s activities. This is the ability to analyze your actions, analyze the reasons for your actions and control your behavior. Voluntary behavior in children begins to mature from the age of 3-4 years (the end of the thinking stage according to P. Levin’s classification). Only from this age does the child learn to understand cause-and-effect relationships and begin to talk about what his or her behavior may lead to. But children in preschool age do not yet fully understand adequately whether to fight back or not, since not all areas of the brain have yet matured to the level of the adult brain. You should also remember about the child’s temperament. Temperament is determined by the type of higher nervous activity, that is, it is an innate characteristic that subsequently influences the formation of the child’s character. There are four types of temperament in total: Choleric Sanguine Phlegmatic Melancholic So, for example, sanguine and choleric children can react more emotionally and hot-tempered to offenders, in contrast to calmer children with a phlegmatic and melancholic type of temperament, since the arbitrariness of behavior here directly depends on their type higher nervous activity. WHAT TO BE PREPARED FOR IF YOU ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO GIVE CHANGE If you allow your child to give change physically, remember some of the consequences associated with the fact that the child cannot yet regulate his emotional state. In essence, permission for a child to fight back is permission for physical violence. Most often, with this kind of permission, the child, in principle, begins to try to use aggression regarding and)