House of Crooked Mirrors. A Gestaltist's view of self-acceptance: “I find that I am more successful in relationships with other people when I can perceive myself and be myself, accepting myself as I am.” K. Rogers So, here we go. It all started a long time ago, when I decided to become a psychologist at the age of 14, and maybe even earlier, when mom and dad decided that they wanted a child. Or perhaps at that moment when “God stepped into the void, looked around and said - I’m alone, I’ll create a world for myself.” And having created this world and man in it, he put a soul into man. And centuries, years, days, hours, minutes passed, and a man walked - feeling, experiencing, becoming more and more aware of himself in the world and asking himself more and more questions about who he really is, what he really is What he wants in this life, the meaning of his existence, is that sooner or later everything ends, goes away irrevocably, and then is there any meaning in all this? Of course, the man tried to ask these questions to God, but he was modestly silent, and hardly because he did not know, but rather because he did not want to spoon-feed the man semolina and cared about his personal growth. Be that as it may, at the age of 14 I firmly decided that I would be a psychologist or psychiatrist and would definitely help people. Even then, the torment of the soul seemed to me more serious and requiring thorough treatment than the torment of the flesh. No one in my circle understood why I had such a useless profession, probably the same majority does not understand this even now, but I am happy that my decision is being realized, slowly and through a thorny path. Now I clearly understand that my universe is incredibly different from the universes of my husband and my children, my friend, the client who comes to the session. That each of us is unique and will not be repeated, but like most of us, I continue, periodically looking at the role of God, to “create peace for myself” when I begin to see my loneliness, when I want to realize my ideas exactly the way I want it, when I understand that sooner or later I will leave this world, my parents and my friends will leave, my favorite things will break, the flowers will wither. As a woman, I create rituals of farewell, storage, I write poetry, and draw flowers, in the hope that the paper lives longer, as a mother, I love a child, with the corner of my soul hoping that this love and memory of me will live on in my grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I accept clients as a psychotherapist, I enter a piece of myself into their world, I leave myself in them, because in this I found a piece of my meaning and the opportunity to be after death and feel my belonging and non-loneliness. I'm trying to save my footprints in the sands of time. I am human! And for me, this awareness is a good start. Why self-acceptance, you ask? What's wrong with this process? The idea to write specifically about acceptance did not appear immediately. The topic didn't come up for a very long time. Or rather, different ones came, mostly these were ideas to write about existential givens - loneliness, meaning, death. I started writing about clients, then I looked at the sessions that I have at my disposal, at the people with whom I work, and I was again overcome by doubts. I was rather ready to talk about life and fulfillment, about its fullness and about psychotherapy as an opportunity to make my life richer and brighter, or at least not impoverish. I was happy about the changes that were taking place in my environment, I was tired of illnesses and fears for myself and the people close to me. I wanted to affirm this life with every written word, especially since there was a significant reason for this and not even one. I understood that in the stories and experiences that clients bring to the session, one could find a search for meaning, the pain of loss, and the fear of emptiness and loneliness, but something did not fit into a coherent mosaic. It seemed to me that I was missing something important, something that would put the dots in place in my internal attitude towards clients, their stories, and contacts. Something to tie mywork and my inner state of fullness and correctness of life in one image. And this insight turned out to be my client’s phrase - “I want to perceive myself as I am.” This phrase magically connected with I. Polster’s book “The Inhabited Man”, with Beiser’s “paradoxical theory of change” - “becoming yourself before becoming another”, with J. Bugental’s book “The Science of Being Alive”, which left the deepest imprint on my soul ”, with the stories of my clients and with my own story, in which becoming myself, living life to the fullest, was and most likely remains the cornerstone. For Gestalt, self-acceptance is not just a slogan or a popular phrase. Acceptance lies in the foundations and principles of Gestalt therapy. This is what the famous French psychotherapist, founder of the Paris School of Gestalt, Serge Ginger, writes in his book “Gestalt - Contact Therapy”: “Gestalt encourages me, first of all, to better know and accept myself as I really am, without forcing myself to change into conformity.” with some ideal individual or social, internal or external, philosophical, moral, political or religious exemplary model" and further: "Gestalt encourages me to float forward, holding on to my own flow, and not exhaust me, trying to overcome it, to reveal the deep currents within my personality , use the changing winds of my surroundings, vigilantly and responsibly watching the sails and the helm in order to realize that I am, and draw an ephemeral trace on the surface of the ocean, following the path that I myself have chosen.” [Ginger S. 1999, p.51] But who is “I really”? Those clients who came to see me brought different life stories and different problems, but they were all united by a certain internal conflict between what they actually have and what they would like, among themselves in the here-and-now and the self they see or would like to see. Some ideal “I” in an ideal world. Most likely, we are all, to one degree or another, able to understand what is being said, for each of us has our own basement for rejected parts of ourselves. “I want to accept myself as I am,” but what am I? Is it possible to give a clear definition of our “isness”? This question has been bothering me for a very long time. Starting from the moment when I shouted after the Other - “you don’t know me at all!” And then the world of the human soul seemed completely incomprehensible to me, I was at a loss as to how to define this or that person. I was damn envious of people who could give another characterization; it seemed to me that this was the highest aerobatics of knowing the personality of another. I couldn’t find - who am I, what am I really like? Good or evil, secretive or open, trusting or suspicious. There was a feeling of floating in the air, and I desperately wanted solid support. And I searched, searched, searched... I collected the opinions of authoritative people about myself - parents, friends, teachers, I read books, took character tests, kept a diary, analyzed. Every time it seemed to me that I already knew who I really was, something new appeared, and the whole picture collapsed. I saw how when I got into different situations, I became different, this observation was confusing and added new confusion and chaos, if only because what I saw in myself I didn’t just not like, but was disgusting, ridiculous and so on, so on, so on... Many years have passed since then, and Gestalt became the support I was looking for. I studied for a long time and am still learning to accept myself, my “imperfections” and “flaws”. Some I have already learned to distinguish, some are still hidden in the dark. For me, as well as for my clients, looking at some part of yourself without glasses has become a real challenge - most often you want to avoid reality. But why then all this? Why take off these glasses at all, if the illusion is less painful, what makes a person go to tears and pain, what is “self-acceptance” for? Let's try to look atthis is by turning to the classics of psychotherapy. “How to accept yourself?” "Learn to be yourself!" Books on popular psychology, esotericism and near-psychological literature are replete with such and similar titles. “Learn to accept yourself” is like a slogan inviting people to various kinds of psychological trainings and groups. Despite the apparent simplicity of the phrase, this is just the tip of the iceberg, which is based on years of development of psychological thought, namely humanistic psychology. All humanists talk about self-acceptance as a driving force in individual psychotherapy. The problem of personality development, a person’s movement towards self-realization and self-actualization, is central to the entire humanistic movement. Humanistic psychology is a special direction that differs from other schools in a number of fundamentally important provisions for understanding human nature. It traditionally includes such concepts as G. Allport’s theory of personality traits, A. Maslow’s theory of self-actualization, C. Rogers’ theory and instructive psychotherapy, S. Buhler’s ideas about the life path of an individual, R. May’s ideas. Each of these theories uses its own conceptual apparatus, creates original ideas about the inner world of a person and its development in the process of life, verifies and substantiates data obtained in the course of empirical research and in the process of psychotherapeutic work with clients. The differences that exist between theories, however, are not an obstacle that would not allow us to consider them from the perspective of general methodological principles. Here are some of them that can help answer the question why we are so eager to accept. The first principle is the principle of development, in general terms it means that a person constantly strives for new goals, self-improvement and self-realization, wanting to carry out continuous progressive development. This principle is perhaps one of the key ones in the process of accepting oneself. Based on the point of view of A. Maslow, we can at least partially answer the question of what motivates a person who goes through acute experiences in order to realize himself and accept. [Kharlamenko N.E., 2001] The same point of view was shared by K .Rogers, saying that the need for self-actualization is inherent in every person from birth, but upbringing and norms established by society force him to forget about his own feelings and needs and accept the values ​​​​imposed by others. “A healthy personality structure develops in a child who is not forced by his parents to distort his experience.” [K. Rogers, 2004] But we are unlikely to find at least one such person. The second principle, which I think may be of interest to us, is the principle of humanity , meaning that a person by nature is kind and free, and only circumstances that prevent the revelation of his true essence make him aggressive and alienated. Intrapersonal disintegration is, to one degree or another, an inevitable phenomenon of our world. But, nevertheless, this principle gives us faith that having realized his anger and cruelty, his refinement and snobbery and other things, a person will be able to accept this not only in himself, but also in the world around him, and therefore, become kinder and opening. I will cite the words of K. Rogers as an example. “My description of the life path in which a person becomes who he is often evokes this reaction: it would mean being bad, angry, uncontrollable, destructive... This point of view is very familiar to me, since I have seen it in almost every client: “If I dared to give vent to the feelings that are locked inside, ... it would be a disaster.” But ... he discovers that he can gradually “be” his anger, ... he discovers that he can be his fear, ... he finds that he can feel sorry for himself, and this is not “bad”, ... he can and does have his sexual feeling, or a feeling of laziness, or hostility [K. Rogers, 2004, p. 310.] This principle gives us faith in the child, ourselves and everything humanity, providing us with the very opportunity to accept our own andalien universe. The third principle that I would like to dwell on is the principle of integrity. Considering a personality as a complex open system aimed at realizing all its potentials, that is, holistically, we find another answer to the question - why is acceptance necessary? We cannot talk about integrity if some parts of our self are rejected; in order to truly realize their potentials, a person needs to realize what he possesses and accept these qualities as his own. Only in this case can we talk about the realization of all potentials. Gestalt sees the root of our problems in the internal fragmentation and disintegration of man. Thus, we can see that self-acceptance is not just a slogan or a popular cliched phrase. This is a deep process that requires a fair amount of courage, patience and effort. But, nevertheless, each of us, being human, strives for this in order to finally feel, according to J. Zinker, a “good form” of our own existence. [J. Zinker, 2000] The words of S. Ginger in the article “Twenty Basic Concepts of Gestalt Therapy,” in my opinion, give an understanding of the place of acceptance in Gestalt: “Gestalt emphasizes the human right to be different from other people and values ​​the uniqueness of each person from the position of existentialism... Modern Gestaltists have preserved the cult of freedom of self-expression, respect and attentive attitude to the individual rhythms and needs of their clients, faith in the uniqueness of a person’s path to growing up - for in each person his own space of freedom continues to be preserved... After all, what is important is not what was made of me, but what is made of me. what will I do from what was made of me? ...I myself add meaning to every action in my life. And if I strive to change, then by remaining only myself, precisely myself and no one else. First become yourself and only then become another - this is the meaning of the famous “paradoxical theory of change” proposed by the Gestaltist A. Beiser (1970). This theory essentially develops the idea expressed by K. Rogers back in 1956: “Only when I accept myself for who I really am, do I become capable of change”... Gestalt suggests “moving forward with the flow” - “ "Don't push the river," said Barry Stevens. [S. Ginger, 1994] Each of us, coming into this world, most likely accepts ourselves. With every passing day, month, year - even as a child, we learn more and more about ourselves, we absorb categories, values, concepts. In the endless quest to be good, we learn to suppress in ourselves those traits that are “not needed”, we try to adapt to the system in which we live. And in this sense, we all go through the same school of education and socialization. In the process of such learning, we learn to reject unwanted traits from ourselves, those parts of our self that at one time or another prevented us from living. Here is what J. Bugental writes about this process: “We are crippled by many influences, we are disabled to the same extent as blind and deaf people. We are not using our full potential. Our lost sense is more important than sight and hearing or smell and taste; this is the feeling of our being” [J. Bugental, 1998, pp. 21-23]. In addition, we can say that often, by avoiding such a conflict with society, we acquire more than a dozen internal conflicts with ourselves. The ability to be yourself, without censorship and evaluation, becomes difficult for history to comprehend and truly accept. I really want to preach fashionable postulates, to believe that this applies to you too, but the illusion does not bring one iota closer. Everything that is deintegrated is reliably separated and the “desired” approach will not happen without effort. Taking an honest look at ourselves, no matter how difficult it may be, and taking responsibility for what we (and not anyone else) do in life are integral components of intrapersonal integration and self-acceptance. If we turn to the process of psychotherapy, then it is certainly a big step for the client when he begins to look at himself as it is. Without trying to finish.