How can a person get rid of secondary gain, even if he has cherished it for years without noticing: Choose a problem that worries you at the moment. Write in a column how you behave, what you say and what you think about this problem. It is in writing that you think about the question: “What benefits do I get from it?” Just boldly, slightly cynically, find at least 5-6 points and write them down! If it doesn’t work out this way, ask the question differently: “What will change, what will happen if this gets better? What will I miss? What will I miss?” For each item, highlight the root cause - the need (for love, care, significance for another, approval, justice, bright emotions, pleasure from reconciliation, protection, suppression of anxiety, the ability to control a partner with your resentment) Now highlight what you are sincerely ready to let go of, what you are tired (really, your girlfriends are tired of retelling stories of new suffering for two hours a day, it takes so much time) And for the remaining needs, write new sources of satisfaction - where and how can you get this benefit in a different place and form? For example, you don’t have to try to extract attention from your partner with new quarrels, but come up and gently ask for a hug, or lie with you for five minutes, because you miss you. Or if the advantage of cakes is the feeling of rewarding yourself for the work done, and your goal is to lose weight, find new ways to encourage and praise yourself. Don’t rush to sort everything into categories; perhaps an item will arise that is really important, you don’t want to give up on it, and you don’t know what to replace the implementation with. For example, it is important for you to be right no matter what! This is the true reason for your quarrels and strategies for behavior in conflict. And yes, you know that this is a hundred times stupid, but you can’t help it, as you still want to completely present yourself as a winner! And in the end, the relationship collapses right to the ground. What to do? My advice to you is to see a psychologist. Not a single post or advice from a friend to “give in” will make you happy. And why sacrifice oneself or others in an alliance? Don't let years of unrecognized benefits interfere with your cherished goals. They exist only because you have not yet learned how to implement them differently. What to do? Retrain your brain!