Dependence on relationships, having a partner and fear of leaving To begin with, I will say that addiction is often used in a negative context, it sounds like a curse or a diagnosis. And I am against the total abuse of this word, because firstly, this is part of our life with people, we depend on each other in many ways and places, even if we don’t want it, and secondly, let the one who does not depend on relationships and I’m not afraid of losing them - let him be the first to throw a stone at me. We are all afraid if we value them, and we all fall into some kind of dependence on our partner. And this is normal. “Not normal,” or rather, it should be considered as a problem only if this fact begins to interfere with living so much that life collapses every time there is at least a threat of separation, when relationships are preserved at any cost, when surviving a breakup is categorically It doesn’t work out and different ways are used to drown oneself out, a desire arises to “not live” or to return everything back. When my life is literally in the hands of my partner. And if it is not there, then life turns into suffering, an anxious search begins to fill and drowns the whole life. In general, I’m talking about a problem if a person can’t get along with it and cope with it. The only experience and time of total and unconditional dependence of one person on another is childhood, this is a parent-child relationship. In adult life a) there is a choice, b) there is means to neutralize this dependence - for example, money, as a way to get what you want, without becoming dependent (services, purchases, sometimes relationships). The way we experienced this experience in childhood will be reproduced, backgrounded, and “unexpectedly” appear in our adult life. And our relationship with “addictions” (all sorts of them, actually) will largely reflect what happened once upon a time. The child cannot choose other parents, he can only somehow adapt to what is. If the process of the child’s birth and his development proceeded in a more or less healthy mode - the child is dependent on the adult, needs him, the adult provides him with the opportunities for this dependence, responds to a need with care, when a child has the opportunity to form an attachment, when he receives this experience in a relatively full volume, when he gradually separates and gains self-reliance, retains the possibility of contact with others, then... in general, this is not our client :)) and this is of course hurray! But alas, this is rather a rarity and an exception. Well, if, nevertheless, there was a violation of the natural and healthy course of development, if something “not okay” happened in the child’s life, such as: There were not adult parents who did not really know how to deal with their feelings, with responsibility for themselves , for a child Abuse, violence at an early age Lack of emotional connection, warmth, acceptance Abandoning, rejecting, manipulative parent (we generally relate to the first point) Parents drank or suffered from other forms of addiction or the family was dysfunctional There was a break in contact with a significant other (death or other loss, abandonment ) without the opportunity to live it (recognize it, share it and grieve). Then the child did not receive the experience of safe dependence and helplessness, need, and often (usually this all goes hand in hand) did not get the opportunity to become attached to this very adult. In his helpless state, he had no chance to receive what was due to him - care, parental warmth, affection, a sense of security, protection. The world seemed to be telling the new person - we are not happy with you, you are too difficult a burden, we don’t need that, either give it yourself, or at least don’t interfere. There is no one to rely on, no one to hide behind - then it is unbearably scary, will I die, will I survive? Will he leave me or not? And then what happened to me? He didn’t have the opportunity to look into his eyes and warm up. He could scream as much as he wanted and call for his damn adult to come and hug him. Or this child always found himself alone with the horrors that were happening around him. And there was no one nearby.