On the forum of our website a question appeared with the following content: A difficult situation with my 12-year-old daughter. Influenced by another girl from the class. A friend tries to smoke, drink even in class, go to very, very dangerous places, putting her and other children’s lives in danger, and humiliates. Confidential conversations with your daughter do not help, prohibitions and punishments, restrictions too. At a certain age, all parents face a similar problem. Friends, star idols, movie characters or computer game characters. Why do teenagers need to imitate someone? And why are characters so negative, from the parents’ point of view, often chosen as objects of sympathy? All parents are accustomed to worrying, caring for and protecting their children. Adults demand that they look decent and study well, be inquisitive, not get angry and not be rude. They condemn the “swaggering” and “promiscuity” of their children. Parents are controlled by their own fears. And, above all, the fear of growing old and being left alone, in an “empty nest.” Children change both externally and internally, but parents are not always ready to see in a teenager a new person who has everything different - body and emotions, goals and ideas. Condemning his behavior and appearance allows us to maintain the illusion of the immutability of our life: “we continue to treat him like a helpless child.” One of the main tasks of age (11-15 years) is the development of self-determination, but a teenager faces another question, no less important than the question “Who am I?” This is the question “Who am I with?” Acceptance by peers and identification with the group is the most pressing problem in adolescence. Everyone knows that at this age, communication with peers acquires exceptional importance. In their relationships with each other, teenagers practice relationships and go through a special school of social relations. Children are entering a new stage of life when personal relationships with peers become a way of life and a tool for the development of a teenager’s personality. Communication with peers can contribute to the successful socialization of a teenager, but, unfortunately, it can also push him towards antisocial behavior. They practically never part with each other, spend most of the day at school in lessons, then go for a walk, they can talk on the phone for hours, seemingly about nothing, but these conversations help the growing person understand who he really is, understand his feelings and emotions, name them. Friends have common ideas, fantasies, secrets, they even have their own language, which is not always understandable to adults or strangers. The teenager finally finds a person about whom he can confidently say, “He/she feels the same way as I do...”. When a daughter or son has a best friend or girlfriend, the previous connection with the parents weakens. Moms and dads often find it difficult to come to terms with this; sometimes it even seems that their child has come under someone else’s influence and is being subordinated. In fact, behind this fear lies the usual feeling of jealousy; parents no longer have the same influence on their child; moreover, the child grows up and becomes an independent person. But you no longer need to “understand everything” or strive for maximum closeness with your child: for teenagers, this only causes anxiety. It’s time to abandon the idea of ​​“merging” an adult and a child, to stop projecting yourself onto his developing personality. In a relationship with him, you need to look for the right distance and not consider yourself the cause (and culprit) of all your child’s difficulties. Don't ask intrusive questions, but remain open to conversation on any topic. If a child talks to you - about anything, if he strives for a discussion - even if it turns into an argument - then everything is fine with him: there is contact between you, and this is the most important thing. It is very important to maintain emotional contact with the child, to allow him to trust and listen to his (and not his parents’) feelings. Offer children an alternative: “You can go with a friend/boyfriend, or you can spend the evening with.