When a person is waiting for support, who does he go to? No, not to a psychologist. We expect support from those closest to us. And this can be a family, if there is really a close relationship between relatives. But what if the family doesn’t understand me? Why is that? And what to do about it? Now is the time for a psychologist to appear on the horizon to explain something and help with something. In any community, even the smallest one, there are established ways of communication. Somewhere they are documented, such as traffic rules. And in some places they develop spontaneously and are not always clearly stated. The first are called rules, the second - norms. What happens in a family? A family is a community in which there are a lot of norms, but almost no rules. This means that over the years of living together, we understand how to behave with each other so that it is relatively calm and good. At the same time, these principles are almost never stated out loud. The main task for which these norms arise is to create conditions in which we can feel safe around each other: so that loved ones don’t get angry, so that they don’t swear at me, so that they love me, so that they take care of me, so that there is no conflicts, etc. Since norms are formed spontaneously and not always consciously, sometimes we may not notice that in order to achieve these goals we make concessions that we really don’t want. And this becomes clear at a time when we especially need understanding and support, but we don’t have it we get. We always lived well, talked about everything, had a good time together. But this time I felt very bad, and he pulled away from me, and I don’t understand why! I did everything for her, took care of her, always listened to her wishes. And I don’t understand why, instead of gratitude, I receive in response only new demands and resentment that I cannot fulfill them now. Why is this happening? Apparently, over the previous months and years, interaction patterns have emerged: in the first case, the pattern “she and I have a good time, we enjoy life, there is no place for sadness and despondency in our family” in the second case, the pattern “he should do everything for me , because he loves." With our behavior we confirm these beliefs every time. But if at some point something goes wrong, we will immediately see: it is not always clear to us how to live outside of these usual stereotypes about each other. That is why I put the thought in the title of the article: if my family does not understand me, this didn't start today. What to do in such a situation? When it becomes clear that it will no longer be possible to live as before, it’s time to check what beliefs different family members hold about each other and themselves. Perhaps this will be the first time you clearly formulate this: You must always be strong and support me You must be light and cheerful, I have enough problems at work I am not interested in how you like to spend time, so on the weekend we will do this what is interesting to me, etc. It can be very unpleasant to talk to and hear this. But there is no other way to improve relationships except to face the truth and evaluate whether we are satisfied with this state of affairs. If the problem did not arise today, you will have to start working by understanding the reasons for its occurrence. Especially if in your family you feel that you are not understood. You can make an appointment with me through messengers (WhatsApp, Telegram) by phone 8 952 287 62 44, or through personal messages. Sincerely, Ruslan Kotenko