From the author: In our turbulent times, it is not always possible to harmoniously combine a successful career and the happy experience of parenthood. Share your secrets on this topic after reading the article. www.evgeniyavarlamova.com CHILDREN AND CAREER: UNION OR ALTERNATIVE? Raising a worthy person is a complex, creative task and, to tell the truth, little compatible with other activities, for example, with a career. But parents all over the world are trying to combine work with caring for children, compensating for the lack of time with an abundance of love. “The first half of our lives is ruined by parents, the second half by children.” Darrow, American writer. There are two polar positions on the issue of education. One is that parents (primarily mothers) sacrifice everything for the sake of the child. They maintain an obviously unsuccessful family, drop out of school, have little interest in work (they work only because it guarantees a salary that can be spent on their beloved child). They deny themselves everything, guided by the motto: “This is necessary for the child’s happiness.” In Soviet times, there were women who, in order to place their offspring in a kindergarten, were hired there as nannies or teachers - depending on their education. Further, in order for the child to have a good time at school, they taught everything there, from mathematics to labor. This style of parenting is called overprotection. By the time a child reaches adulthood, he becomes a very infantile subject, incapable of any independent actions or decisions. The disadvantages of such upbringing also lie in the fact that mothers present the grown-up child with a Hamburg bill: “I gave everything for you - now, be so kind as to pay me in the same coin.” The exact opposite option is when parents do not care about their children at all. A young mother gives birth to a child during the breaks between defending her master's and doctoral dissertations. She teaches at a university, conducts social work, arranges her personal life, and then wonders why a child, having reached adolescence, opens his veins and uses drugs. Many creative people had a very original attitude towards their descendants. Thus, Leo Tolstoy could not always remember the names of all his children. Gala, the wife of Salvador Dali, did not want to see her daughter from infancy and refused to meet her when she was already an adult. With such an indifferent attitude, children grow up incapable of selfless and sincere love. In fairness, it must be said that each of these polar options for upbringing has its advantages. The “everything for the sake of the children” attitude helps young talents to reveal themselves. Thus, many great people (Mozart, Paganini, Picasso, Valentin Serov) owe their success to the dedication of their parents, who noticed their abilities in time and helped them develop. It is no coincidence that even today, when selecting children for creative schools, teachers say: “We do not need talented children, but talented parents.” And the second position has its positive aspects: children of very busy parents quickly become independent, their character is often strong-willed and independent In the West, especially in America, it is believed that raising a child well means, first of all, giving him a good education. The child is well-fed, clothed and shod, studying at a prestigious college - what more could you want? It turns out that everything is not so simple. Scientists have identified another necessary component of children's happiness by observing the work of orphanages for many years. The children there were kept in very comfortable conditions and yet they often got sick, grew weak and were retarded in mental development. It turned out that they simply lacked human attention, warmth, communication with a loving person, “just” gentle strokes and kisses. Why do you need this? If you are a careerist, then the benefits that a successful career provides are obvious to you: social status, recognition, money, the opportunity for self-realization. From such a perspective, raising children is a burdensome project with unclear, unpredictable profits. Democritus also said: “Raising children is an unreliable business: success is achieved at the cost of incredible struggle and worries, and in case of failuresuffering is incomparable to anything." But nevertheless, usually every person strives to become a parent. First, it is important to understand why you actually gave birth to a child. It’s not just about the irresistible instinct of procreation. Strange as it may seem, every parent has There is a very definite idea in the subconscious about why a child is needed. Firstly, it may be a latent desire to strengthen one’s image by acquiring the gentlemanly set of a prosperous person: work, family, children, friends. Secondly, the materialization of love for one’s spouse. -third, a way to satisfy the thirst for power: children can be commanded on quite legal grounds. In addition, many parents associate their own unrealized plans and hopes for a better life with their child: “I couldn’t achieve this (become a politician, go abroad, dance at the Bolshoi). theater, etc.), but my son (daughter) will certainly achieve this." Actually, these hidden motives largely determine the style of education. If for you a child is a tribute to social fashion (although few people admit this), in During your upbringing, you will care about the prestige of his education and the respectability of his appearance. All this can be achieved without compromising your career: nannies, governesses, tutors, educators and boarding schools will solve all problems. The child will be deprived of attention and love, but sentiment in this case is not included in the parents’ plans. If the child is a creative project of the family, then he will be taken no less seriously than a career. Parents will try to give their offspring a decent education and upbringing and at the same time will always be sincerely interested in his problems, empathize with him, help with advice and friendly participation. In a purely emotional sense, communication with children is always mutually beneficial. One American politician, trying to rationally explain his attachment to his seven-year-old son, said: “At work I am often humiliated, I am dissatisfied with my salary, my status. For my son, I am like Gulliver for the Lilliputians. He believes that I can do anything. And next to him I really feel capable of feats.” If children are raised for self-affirmation (let’s say one of the parents has not realized himself in the professional sphere and is trying to “get even” on his offspring), This is the worst option of all: children turn into objects of adults’ power ambitions. Less time - more love If both children and career are equally important to you, you are following a difficult but promising path. The most important thing is not to burden yourself with guilt that you cannot devote much time to your child. The number of hours spent next to the child is not the most important thing. When parents come for a consultation and complain that they love the child so much, but he studies poorly, is rude, often gets sick, does not obey, I ask: “How do you love him? , what exactly is your love? “Well, how?!” the parents are surprised. “He studies at a prestigious school, he is always dressed to the nines. Once every three months we arrange trips for him abroad. However, we don’t have time to travel ourselves, the child travels with a governess.” A wealthy, idle life can drive even adults, let alone children, crazy. But the fact of the matter is that almost all child care concerns can be shifted onto the shoulders of nannies, governesses and teachers. The only thing no one can replace you in is showing love. It is you who should love, praise, and admire the child. And this can be done in any situation, for any reason. After all, for you the offspring is truly the most unique, inimitable and wonderful. I do not at all encourage parents to purr over their children with emotion. If necessary (for example, a child has done a lot of mischief), do not hold back your anger, hit him once or twice on the butt. Just don’t make punishment your daily entertainment. All people, regardless of age, need close emotional relationships. It is important for them to feel their exclusivity and importance for their partner. If adults choose their life partners, then childrenthere is no choice - they expect love from their parents. And parents, no matter how busy they are, can always show this love. Take a moment to kiss your precious child on the nose in the morning and evening, tell him a story before bed, have breakfast or dinner together, go to the zoo or eat ice cream in a cafe on Sundays. Call him more often from work. Write gentle notes. Don’t forget to congratulate him on the holidays and arrange pleasant surprises for him. And don’t waste words: if you’ve already made a promise (a toy, a dress, a trip to the theater), you definitely need to fulfill it. If you’re so busy at work that you only have a few moments left to communicate with your child, use them for compliments, not for nagging, reproaches and lectures. It is very important to treat your child with unconditional sympathy and respect. The sooner he feels like your partner, the better off you will be. Children are very unstable psychologically: they have no experience and confidence in their abilities. Caring attention from parents can strengthen a child’s sense of self-worth. Parental love greatly influences a child's self-esteem, and this, in turn, determines success and happiness. You cannot choose for your son or daughter what to do in their free time from school, but you can recommend them a good riding club, or a swimming pool, or an art school. Being sensitive to the creative abilities of children is perhaps the best expression parental love. Accept your child for who he is. Careerist parents are often disappointed when they realize that their offspring is completely devoid of ambition. For example, one of the sons of Vladimir Sergeevich Gerashchenko, a famous Soviet banker, became an ordinary mechanic. (True, another, Viktor Vladimirovich, headed the Central Bank). But this does not mean at all that life worked out for one son and not for the other. It’s just that the twin brothers had different abilities, inclinations, characters, aspirations. It’s important not to go out of your way and not make an exact copy of yourself out of the child - you will only exhaust both yourself and him. Try to understand the child’s point of view, find positive aspects in his otherness. By the way, in the family of Vladimir Gerashchenko they joked about their son Anatoly: “He communicates with the working class.” Take into account the age needs of the children. Until they are ten years old, they will look at you as a god and an idol. After ten, they are no longer concerned so much with their parents’ assessment as with the opinions of their peers—mechanisms of social adaptation. After thirteen, when adolescence begins, children assert themselves by denying their parents’ lifestyle. For example, the son of actress and peace activist Jane Fonda, when he turned thirteen, painted the walls of his room with racist slogans. Treat teenage rebellion as a necessary evil. If possible, remain calm and do not create scandals. Your child is gaining his own life experience - he has a legal right to any experience (even the most negative). You can only advise him if he turns to you, and support him in a difficult situation. If you are forced to give your child to be raised by his grandmother in another city for several years, do not consider that you have thereby betrayed him. Write letters, call, take an interest in his life, explain the reasons for the forced separation, carefully plan meetings, especially infrequent ones. Many parents worry that they cannot financially provide their children with a decent childhood: send them abroad, buy a new thing or a “sophisticated” music center. I repeat, this is not the most important thing. Our famous couturier Vyacheslav Zaitsev spent his childhood in a tiny room, where he lived with his brother and mother. And nothing. Material deprivations experienced in childhood can turn people into the most tireless careerists. But again, provided that parents believe in their talent and abilities. And they love them deeply. If, on the one hand, you don’t have the money to “fuse” your child with nannies and governesses, and on the other hand, you don’t have the time to take care of him yourself, use it in raising