From the author: Continuing the topic of erroneous attitudes, which you can find in the selection of my articles: today I plan to write an article about shoulds. Algorithm for working with blocking beliefs and shoulds. You can read about this in my blog: Ought is a categorical demand for oneself, other people, and the world. Failure to fulfill this requirement leads to experiences that bring suffering. There are also preferences that allow their bearers to be more flexible and experience disappointments more easily. All oughts can be divided into three groups: 1) I MUST The figure lists the oughts of perfection. If any of these or similar oughts are relevant to you. Think about it, who said you should? You decided that you want to be like this. If these rules bring you suffering and grief, wouldn’t it be better to reconsider them? No one argues that it is good to be the best or even perfect, but this is not realistic and not possible for anyone. 2) YOU SHOULD Would you like it if someone decided that you did not correspond to their ideas of “right” and “wrong” and at the same time demanded changes? Will you say that you have your own view of how you should be, how to live, and that it is unacceptable to force you to act this way? At the same time, do you still continue to demand or force change from others? You can ask another to change, but be prepared that this may not happen. Managing another person's behavior usually causes tension, anxiety, irritation and anger. You will encounter fewer difficulties if your belief is: “It’s good if people behave the way I like. But no one is obliged to conform to my ideas.”3) THE WORLD MUST The world simply exists, and we cannot change it. But we can change our views, attitudes, our way of life. The preference would sound less categorical: “It is preferable that everything in the world is fair, and that life is always comfortable. But it is obvious that this is impossible. I can only rejoice when I feel good.” A common feature of oughts is the fact that if they are not confirmed or there is even a danger that they may be violated, then an experience arises that carries the following belief. Most often, it means that the violator of the obligation must be punished. Must, obliged, necessary - this is an attempt to pretend that I am forced, but that I am being forced to do something. At the same time, not realizing that I DECIDED that I would do what is required of me or what I myself want. Each of us always, even when subject to external coercion, makes decisions and choices ourselves. Shoulds may not be recognized or expressed directly. But they are the basis of relationships with oneself, with others and the world. I will give examples of special cases of obligations: “I cannot stand it if he thinks that I am a cruel person” - obligation: “I must always inspire love and approval, and if this if not, that means I’m worthless and not worthy of a good life, and this is terrible!” “I would be able to make a decision if I knew for sure that I would soon meet a good man again and be able to get married” - obligation: “The world must give I have a guarantee that everything will be fine with me - so let him give me everything without my efforts, and if he doesn’t give me or demands responsibility and action from me, then this is terrible, I can’t stand it.” “He left me for another woman . Scoundrel!" - obligation: “You (he) must always treat me well, love, care, and if you (he) did not do this, then you must be punished.” “A woman definitely needs a man, otherwise she is inferior” - obligation: “A woman she must be liked, if no one chooses her, then she is a nonentity and not worthy of a good life. And it’s terrible!” “It’s better not to pay attention, it will resolve itself somehow. Otherwise, when you think about it, you don’t really want to live!” - ought: “The world must present to me/