From the author: An article about a practical way out of the child-parent conflict In the previous article “Parents and children in the devilish tornado of conflict” it was said that if the relationship between a parent and a child becomes worse and worse, then it is possible to assume the existence of a “devil’s circle” of dysfunctional communication, the model of which was developed by the classic of German psychology, the founder of modern communication psychology, Friedemann Schultz von Thun. In this article I continue the topic I started. To check whether I (the parent) really am dealing with the “devil’s circle” “In a situation where my relationship with my child is deteriorating, I can use a number of signs: 1. Specific conflicts on the same issues are constantly repeated.2. My internal tension is growing, it is becoming more and more difficult for me to communicate with my child.3. My negative attitude towards the child as a whole is growing.4. My despair is growing, my disbelief that the general situation can be changed for the better. If these signs are present, then the “damn circle” is quite likely, which means there is hope that something can still be changed! Where to start? Step No. 0 The number “0” was not randomly chosen for this step. It means that before you start leaving the “devil’s circle”, you need to turn to yourself and ask a question on which, perhaps, it depends whether it’s worth moving on at all. The question is: “Do I really want to get out of the “damn circle” in my relationship with my son/daughter?” In fact, it’s not easy to answer... Firstly, maintaining a “devil’s circle” in interpersonal relationships, oddly enough, can be beneficial. In his book “Talking to Each Other: The Anatomy of Communication,” Schultz von Thun gives an example of a conflictual relationship between a son and father in a post-divorce family situation: the son is a hooligan, commits minor offenses, the father becomes aware of this, he reproaches the son, makes strict “suggestions” . But then the situation only gets worse, and everything repeats itself again and again, on an increasing scale. At the same time, both father and son have the opportunity to maintain “belonging” to each other, the opportunity to communicate with each other in a situation of family breakdown, at least in a similar, “crooked” way. Thus, the existence of the "devil circle" may be necessary at a hidden, deeper level of the relationship, so I (the parent) may not actually want it to stop. Secondly, a lot in the process of getting out of the “devil’s circle” depends on whether I am able to admit that in the existing conflictual relationships there is my responsibility (my personal contribution). Not just admit it, but admit it. It is very difficult to admit your responsibility and face the experience of guilt. At some moments, feeling guilty in front of a child is downright painful. You should remember this and be prepared. Step No. 1 If you managed to recognize the obstacles and still make a deliberate choice in favor of leaving the “devil’s circle,” then the next step could be to turn to point No. 1 of the model: Fig. 1 And here it is appropriate to ask the question: “Why can’t you immediately turn to point number 4? For example, just take and talk to the child, clarify everything with him?” I think open conversation can only be beneficial! But the main difficulty, in my opinion, may be the attitude with which I (the parent) approach this conversation. If a conflict between me and my child exists for a long time, then it is obvious that our relationship at the moment is far from friendly and benevolent. This means that there is a high probability that I will not be able to correctly hear and understand the “other side.” To understand the “enemy” in general extremely difficult. It’s especially difficult if you don’t even want to talk to him again. To make an open, confidential conversation possible and beneficial, Schulz von Thun suggests trying to change your own general mood, soften it, starting from point No. 1. He asks a paradoxical question : “What’s good about bad?” In other words, what good can there be in my child’s behavior that is unacceptable to me? Not.1,2).