“Why are you hurting so much? The night is already ending, and the poems have not had time to contain you... And where should I put you, what else should I turn you into? It didn’t work out in the turmoil of the day, I couldn’t dissolve it in the sudden flights at night either, I even tried to talk about you, talk, and I haven’t yet found a new way to cope with you.” She turned 28 the other day, she loves the night. She was 22 one day, and there was such a strange meeting, the meaning of which was for her to collect beads on a thread over the years. A girl is like a little chick when she carefully picks up a new bead like this, and looks at it with attentive eyes, listens, and recognizes. “Well, okay, I didn’t manage to sleep today, get ready, it’s time for us to go out, let’s go, you can tell me what you wanted.” I can't leave you here, no matter how hard I try. You’re on your heels, as if you learned from the moon.” Rather, in a cafe, where you can warm up with its early aromas and the still deserted silence, they will start preparing a large cozy cup of cappuccino for her as soon as she appears at the door, everyone who worked in that cafe already knew her. And today we noticed the fatigue on her ugly, but unusually interesting face. Silently, with a smile that contained all the words needed that morning, she sounded quite expressive and chose a table where she would spend the next half hour. “Mmm... It’s difficult for me with you, you’re always like the first time, unexpectedly, sharply, and therefore you’re so backhanded, and then I collect myself after your visits, as if I’m restoring, as if I’m rewriting everything from the torn pieces of one sheet onto a new whole one. And I hide, turn away, look through, just to avoid meeting you. Sometimes, like a magician, I deftly wrap you in the void like paper, and you disappear. After which such silence settles inside, I then remind myself of a meaningless cotton doll. It happens that I throw lightning at you, you are the target, the task is to hit to kill... This is to protect myself from you, unbearable, to distract your attention or scare you. Lightning, of course, is a noticeable thing, and sometimes other people fall within the damage radius, and then they become dolls. I thrust lightning needles into them, with all the rage addressed to you, as if they came to visit me to be voodoo dolls so that I could settle scores with you. Nothing seems to be working out for me, none of my plans are working, and here you are again, like a faithful dog. And the dog’s tasks include: 1) biting me, sometimes it’s just painful, sometimes tearing out shreds, 2) suddenly starting to bark impossibly loudly, drowning out the rest of the world, until there’s a painful glassy ringing in my ears, 3) howling, announcing loneliness and abandonment, so that the pain of rejection knows what notes to play its anthem with.” She noticed that there was no more cappuccino in the cup, she was almost about to leave when it seemed to her that if she stood still more closely now, she could... She could discern words forming a meaning that was understandable to her, which she was only now beginning to discern in the pain, that very , from which she hid herself, into which she stuck lightning needles and packed herself into emptiness. Now that all the beads were in place, every single one, the meaning of that first piercing meeting with her inner pain took shape, and she listened, and the pain responded. “If you had a post office inside, I would send you urgent telegrams with letters and words in a language you understand! This would shorten the duration of the expedition in which you had to go on excavations in order to find the missing elements inside yourself, and then sit down to decipher, comprehend the unfamiliar writings found in the excavations. The expedition had to be organized forcibly, which is why I had to “inspire” you to continue with new portions of my sudden appearance. Why was all this necessary? I could not be an indifferent spectator of how injustice in the role of attitude towards oneself became the main plot of your life, and you agreed to become the main director of this picture. It could have turned out cruel if I didn't stop you…»