Shame distinguishes us from animals and makes us human. Shame is relevant if we live in society. If we are alone on a desert island, the issue of shame will not bother us much. First of all, shame provides a stop. Imagine how brake pads work in a car. The wheels are spinning and spinning and then something mechanically begins to slow them down, some static device that gradually puts pressure on the wheel and forces it to slow down, in other words, preventing it from spinning. This is roughly how the feeling of shame works in the human body - it stops activity, causing some numbness , muscle tension - blocking forward movement, excitement and aggression. Shame, as it were, tells us that there are some useful, good actions and forms of life among people, and there are not useful, valueless, “bad” ones. It is thanks to the feeling of shame that we We behave “decently”. We can create society, boundaries, systems, principles, hierarchy, etc. We know within what limits we must be, how to show ourselves in order to be accepted by other people, to remain in relationships with them and receive protection and support. We do not go out naked, we say hello, we follow the rules of decency. In the theater, for example, we turn off our mobile phone. It is the feeling of shame that helps us to observe this in many ways, which is based on the experience of some of our own “goodness” and appropriateness in society. Everything that is described above concerns a purely regulatory, that is, a healthy sense of shame in a person. Unhealthy or toxic shame When we grow up, as well as for that we learn to be ashamed, first of all, from our parents. Where is the “measure” of shame that will help you stay in the society of people, while not preventing you from living and satisfying your needs. But very often there are strong distortions with shame. And parents teach their children to be ashamed much more than necessary. Then the most difficult times may come in the life of such a person. After all, he cannot fully satisfy his needs, his body begins to freeze where he can live, stop where the road is open. Toxic shame manifests itself in situations when you understand in your head that everything seems to be normal and there is nothing terrible, but For some reason you can’t “open your mouth.” You can’t say anything to someone. You can't approach a girl and get to know her. You can't ask. It’s just that the body doesn’t seem to let you go there, although the head understands that you really want to... Types of shameShame can be divided into categories: 1. Confluent. From the word “confluence” - merger. There are families where everything is built on merging. That is, in order to survive together, we must be the same - behave the same, think the same, arrange our lives, want and feel the same. If someone “stands out” from the general mass, this is an alarming sign, because the system may fall apart. An example of such a confluent family is the former Soviet society, where people received the same salaries, wore the same clothes, and even the same keys went to different apartments (as was shown in the film Eldar Ryazanov loved by many). In confluent families, confluent shame develops - that there is shame in being yourself. After all, in addition to the fact that we are all similar to each other, we are also all very different. And we may have very different needs at different times. But confluent shame prevents us from feeling our autonomy; we need to be like others in order not to be rejected by them. Otherwise, we will experience a painful feeling of horror from our own inappropriateness and fear of rejection. Shame is strongly associated with the fear of rejection. If we are very afraid of being abandoned and abandoned, we will certainly be ashamed of our own otherness and inconvenience to others.2. Introjective shame. If confluent shame is diffuse in nature, that is, I am basically ashamed of the fact that I am like this, then introjective shame is more local. It is associated with some stereotypes, rules, attitudes (introjects) that we were taught. Actually,These attitudes are clearly revealed under the words “you can’t” and “you must,” which moms and dads often like to say. “You can’t say bad words”, “you can’t shout at your mother”, “you can’t make noise”, “you have to be obedient, quiet”, “you have to listen to your mother”, “you have to behave well”, etc. Introjective shame is always tied to objects, events, and circumstances. You can stop feeling it by changing your form of behavior - that is, by ceasing to somehow behave “badly” or by starting to do something “well” in accordance with (introject). For example, I stopped shouting at my mother - that’s it, well done, I got rid of shame!3. Projective shame. This type of shame is associated not so much with the semantic load as with its carriers. For example, we meet someone, and it seems to us that this particular person will definitely judge us for something. Of course, we don’t know this for sure, but we feel a sense of shame. How two teenagers who are locked in a room and kissing can fantasize and are afraid that “someone” will come in and shame them, stop them, condemn them. The projection mechanism works here - the main one, in fact, on which the work of the psyche is built. We can only see what is inside us in the outside world. If we know from somewhere (introjective shame) that kissing is not allowed in the room, then we will project this knowledge onto those who might come in and see. And of course, at the same time, experience some kind of stoppage - freezing in the body, failure of breathing.4. Retroflexive shame. From the word retroflexion - “turning on oneself”, that is, turning the energy released by the body back into oneself. In principle, any type of shame can be called retroflexive, since this feeling is characterized by stopping energy and accumulating it in the body. But here this type is highlighted in order to emphasize the possible consequences of strong shame, expressed in somatization, illness, and sometimes disorganization of mental activity. For example, panic attacks are a good example of the consequences of retroflexive shame, when there is so much shame that the body reacts with strong bodily reactions. What we are most ashamed of When I work with clients, everyone at some point brings their own “shame story.” We scrupulously and carefully analyze its details. In many cases, I hear similar themes of what women are often ashamed of and what men are ashamed of. Here I have highlighted the main points for which people are most often shamed and suffer. Of course, everyone has their own shades and characteristics. These are rather rough generalizations that may be able to help you see yourself somewhere. Shame of failure (mistake, failure) This is probably the most popular topic for experiencing shame, perhaps in the life of every person there is such an experience - when you were ashamed of something that somewhere I gave up, didn’t have time, couldn’t, didn’t fulfill, didn’t win... Shame of failure is often characteristic of men, but many women can also suffer from it. Shame of failure is usually associated with the demands that we place on ourselves. And if these requirements are too strict and excessive, then we will certainly feel wild discomfort from their failure to fulfill them, as well as the fear of doing anything at all, the fear of reliving this strong feeling of insignificance. The actualized shame of failure manifests itself in those people from whom in childhood they were expected to faster development than the child could provide. This is a common trap of parents, when the value is growth and development (as a factor of health), and, accordingly, the non-value is simply “treading water” or simply the presence of the child at some point for some time. It is out of concern about the risk of underdevelopment that mothers send their very young children to kindergartens, schools, and development courses. And thus they do their children a disservice. The child begins to learn to place higher demands on himself than he can provide at that moment in time. As an adult, such a person is afraid of stops, afraid of failures, afraid of slowing down, of giving worse results. After all, his mother rejected him for this, she was worried and did not allow him to simply be the way he turned out. Everything was neededtime to move forward. Shame of sexual arousal “And Verka is from the fifth entrance, like a prostitute!” Perhaps each of us has heard something similar at least once in our lives from elderly aunties on benches in the yard. This story is a vivid example of the unrealized sexual arousal of these women. After all, admitting your arousal is very shameful; it is easier and safer to project it onto a young neighbor. Shame of sexual arousal is common to people from post-Soviet society - both men and women. We know at the cellular level: it is impossible to experience sexual arousal, and to be seen in arousal means death similar! If I suddenly developed an arousal for a woman, I should definitely have sex with her, and if this is now impossible, suppress any attraction to her, run away, disappear, petrify! The toxic shame of one’s own sexual arousal arises from the first experience of relationships between boy and mom, girl and dad. If a child was shamed and rejected (shunned) for his first childhood attempts to realize his arousal towards an adult of the opposite sex, he will also be ashamed in relationships with other men and women. For example, a mother, noticing that her son is already beginning to have an erection, moves away from him, stops touching in every possible way, is afraid to even come close. At the same time, the boy may be deeply offended, reading such rejection and suppress his sexual arousal in every possible way (remain a little boy) in order to be accepted and close to his mother. Or a girl, showing interest and flirting with her father, may stumble upon the “frozen” state of her father, who begins to tense up very much and try to somehow avoid and evade the unpleasant combination of shame and excitement towards his own daughter. The father becomes very formal, strict, incapable of tenderness and warmth. The girl understands: she needs to hide her excitement, keep herself within limits, while the feeling of deep resentment and rejection will not leave her even in relationships with her future men. “You cannot be an excited woman next to a man” - this is the deplorable result of this subconscious attitude. Often, it is precisely such men and women, ashamed of excitement, who create couples. They are simply safe together - they are both ashamed of the same thing and therefore take great care to avoid “shameful places.” At the same time, everyone can feel their own inner dissatisfaction and try to look “to the side,” at other women and men. Or he satisfies his interest somewhere in virtual reality - for example, watching porn films, where you can somehow merge in the experience of excitement with the actors and finally allow yourself to fully experience your own. The shame of being weak - morally and physically You can’t be weak . Weak people - physically and morally - are not needed by anyone. If you notice a weakness in yourself, you urgently need to overcome it and be sure to hide it from others! These are very cruel and blasphemous attitudes. They often haunt men, but they are also common among women. Showing your vulnerability is scary. This is what our parents teach us, who were raised by their parents who survived the war. And there you really can’t be weak. They will kill. The whole annoyance is that the shame of our own weakness leaves us in deep loneliness - without support, affection, sympathy, warmth, support - when we really need all this! It’s like leaving a flu patient without tea, lemon, a warm bed, and forcing him to go outside and work. Often people who are ashamed of their own weakness burn out very quickly, not noticing and not respecting their own limitations - they actually kill themselves. Shame of being rejected by others Receiving rejection, hearing the word “no” in response - this is what we can be very afraid of and ashamed of. It’s as if after rejection and rejection our personal value somehow collapses, we can no longer be the same as we were before, we become worse, unimportant. Therefore, God forbid, you receive this refusal. I'd rather never ask, never. Just not to hear the answer “no”...If I)