“I want to get away from you... From your misfortunes, insults and abuse! From the anger and anger that eats away at you! I want you to be left alone in your kingdom of eternal complaints and discontent... Among your “I don’t want, I can’t, I won’t”... I really want to leave you! But again and again I come back to you... And one day, looking in the mirror, I notice that someone else has taken my place - he is boring and stupid, he is helpless and weak. And he looks at the world with eyes full of pain." "I saw that we had problems in our relationship, but I didn’t understand what they were. I was overcome by an unreasonable feeling of irritation. I didn't talk to her so that she would feel lonely. I was cold with her, and when she asked what was the matter, I answered her in an icy tone: “Everything is fine.” Sometimes, when she wanted to spend the evening with me, I would simply leave without saying a word to her. I didn't let her talk to her friends. Any question she asked made me furious. I constantly told her that she was crazy. I told her that I had a much better life before I married her. I said she doesn't know what she's doing. I wanted to understand what was happening. I took her to specialists to explain to her how to behave. I was sure that my behavior would change when she stopped being like she is now.” As a rule, any despot is a person who has lost contact with himself, his feelings and his inner world. For despots, life is a competition they cannot lose. In order to win, the despot invents his own world, where he endows people with the qualities and value system he himself invented. And if he invented this world, then he is the rightful owner in it. Hence the feeling of enormous, unshakable confidence in the correctness of one’s claims. “I know what you really need!” Oddly enough, despots in relationships want the same thing you want. They really need feelings of warmth, closeness, trust and acceptance. But they have a completely distorted understanding of how to achieve these sensations. The main fear of a despot is loneliness and a feeling of uselessness. They are pathologically afraid that others might forget about them! That is why they make people remember them every minute. This is achieved in different ways. They can directly control you, constantly out loud and without hesitation, pointing out small, meaningless mistakes to you. They may not keep their promises, or regularly put the victim in an awkward position from which she will be forced to somehow get out. If you take the victim away from the despot, terrible things happen to him. He begins to feel like a loser! The fear of feeling like a nobody, useless and helpless, drives the despot like a pack of rabid dogs. Running away from fear, he crushes everyone in his path like a tank. If we take a closer look at the people who cause us the most harm with their constant pressure and control, we will see that they feel a vital need to put pressure on us. It comes from an internal feeling of one's own helplessness. People who “break into” our inner world and consider themselves its masters actually feel very vulnerable. In addition, they do not want to take any responsibility for their behavior. The internal problem of a despot is this: he built his personality based only on its external manifestations, so any other person’s opinion undermines the despot’s confidence that he has built himself correctly. “If I’m wrong about anything, then my whole being is one big mistake.” This gives rise to a constant feeling of anxiety and fear. Any despot is a kind of inventor who is trying to make the “man of his dreams” real. They try to achieve their goal by ignoring the desires, opinions and feelings expressed by a real person. Often people tolerate the despotic behavior of others in order to maintain “at least some kind of relationship.” If you have undergone such “training” and allow yourself to be pressured and controlled in your life, thenyou should understand that in the minds of a despot the image of an invented person is constantly changing. And not a single, even the most talented actor can play this character. They categorically do not recognize the right of another person to exist separately from them, they do not recognize his right to independence and individuality. While the despot feels that another person is attached to him, he is sure that it is the other person who is responsible for the behavior of the despot himself. These people do not consider their bad deeds to be bad deeds. “You forced me to do this!!” Many people know situations when a rapist sitting in prison dreams of going out and taking revenge on his victim, as if he is imprisoned for her crime, and not for his own. If you have ever met a person who oppressed, humiliated or insulted you, you may have noticed, that at these moments he behaved as if he was sure that you deserved such treatment. The helpless master of the imaginary world is under the influence of the following illusions. His behavior cannot be called wrong, he does not harm or cause pain to anyone. He is always right. He has no illusions about the structure of this world. He is independent and self-confident. God is on his side. The victim of the tyrant is also captive of certain illusions and beliefs. It is quite natural that the other has the right to give me some characteristics (stupid, lazy, heartless, loser, and so on) because he has objective reasons for this (he is older, more experienced, more educated, etc.). Therefore, the characteristics given to them are correct. People will be able to achieve love or recognition, they can be considered successful if they managed to meet someone’s expectations. People should receive permission to behave as they see fit. I have no right to have my own opinion, needs and desires. Obedience and modesty are virtues that will someday be rewarded. The despot invents a partner for himself, like a six-year-old child who endows a doll or teddy bear with the human qualities he needs for play. After some time, a moment comes when the “owner” is surprised to see that the “doll” is going somewhere! There is no limit to outrage! How! After all, he cared so much about his toy friend! He spent so much effort and money on making it better, almost perfect! What terrible, black ingratitude! What a terrible betrayal! It's not possible! What selfishness! How can you think only about yourself! Insensitive consumer! At this moment the victim becomes confused. She knows in advance that any of her objections will not be heard. She recalls the “age-old wisdom” she once learned and the words: “If you keep silent, it’s like sitting in a garden,” “God endured and told us to,” “Who needs (needs) you besides me, who can endure you like this,” “You are alone (alone) ) you will disappear." And he returns. Then he asks for forgiveness. And he feels inside, as if something has died. And everything starts again. Families break up, people become depressed or try to escape emotional pain with the help of drugs, alcohol, and computer games. Entire industries are dealing with the problems of increasing self-esteem and developing positive thinking. Various therapies are being developed to help us improve our self-image, and new products are designed to improve our mood. But the problem of despotism, suppression and destruction of some people by others does not disappear anywhere. When people encounter despotic behavior, they often feel as if “erased”, as if for the offender they simply do not exist. Trying to improve such relationships is psychologically tiring and causes mental and emotional pain. Not to mention physical violence. It is a mistake to believe that a despot or tyrant is always an angry, shouting and insulting person. There are many ways to suppress. And an angry cry is simply the most rude and primitive of all manifestations. You can overwrite it with eternal complaints, sobs and tears. Silence. Constant lies. And even a manifestation of immense adoration and care. And although many +7912207 1020