“I don’t know who I am if I don’t know whose I am” Vera Pavlova Lately, unhappy women have often approached me with a request for a conflict relationship with their mother. Researching their childhood stories leads me to one source - dysfunctional relationships in the family, where dad was psychologically distant or physically absent, and mom, due to various circumstances, was unable to cope with difficulties. Two qualities stand out especially clearly in these women - hyper-responsibility (at some point, due to the mother’s weakness, the child took on part of the family’s worries) and suppressed anger (directed at the mother, who left, abandoned, from the child’s point of view, turned out to be weak when it should be strong). With age, as they have their own family, these girls can rationally explain everything to themselves, justify their mother’s behavior, try to establish communication, while maintaining a safe physical and psychological distance. But since a woman’s past contains unfinished actions in the form of unexpressed feelings and emotions and unfulfilled needs, she will strive to reproduce them in relationships with other people. The consequence of a traumatic relationship with her mother can be conflicting relationships with other women, competition and jealousy arise. , there is no trust. This does not mean that such women are not capable of female friendship. When things get difficult for you, they are the ones who will come to your aid. Remember about hyper-responsibility? But it’s difficult for them to be happy for their friends and share good news with them. In relationships with friends, they show uncertainty in upholding psychological boundaries and constantly shuttle between “I need to help, take care,” which means “I want to be needed and valuable” and detachment – ​​“don’t touch me,” which means “how can you not notice my value and importance." If such a woman has developed noble motives and is guided by Christian values, then she has to deal with a constant internal conflict, either suppressing anger and feelings of competition, or scolding herself for these feelings. There is another type of woman with similar trauma, whose moral thresholds are low or not clearly defined. They become the very women who steal the husbands of their friends, not always understanding why they actually need it. To change the situation, you need to find a psychologist and work through your childhood trauma in a safe environment, identify and express suppressed anger and rage, and experience a feeling of forgiveness . It’s rare that anyone can boast of a cloudless relationship with their mother, but establishing them is essential for the development of female maturity. In adulthood, the daughter gains the opportunity to take a fresh look at this relationship - to begin to communicate with her mother not from the position of a little girl, but as an equal woman. Seeing and accepting an adult in each other is the first step on the path to respect, and perhaps friendship. The morning is wiser than the evening, a daughter is wiser than a mother. What kind of nonsense did they waste their time on - arguing whether it was possible in the snow - without a hat, in the rain - without umbrella. I wish we could grab each other in an armful - mom! Daughter! Vera Pavlova