From the author: Article taken from my website www.psifactor.rf The essence of narcissistic disorder In order to better understand the essence of the problem, it is first necessary to understand the essence of narcissism. Let us turn to the words of the famous psychoanalyst Nancy Mc Williams. She describes a person with narcissistic disorder as “organized around maintaining self-esteem by seeking confirmation from others,” clarifying that we are talking about people for whom this task eclipses all others, and not about those who are simply sensitive to criticism or praise. “Preoccupied with how they are perceived by others, narcissistic people experience a deep sense of being deceived and unloved.” A narcissist is a person who is convinced of his own uniqueness, his special position and superiority over others. He has an inflated opinion of his talents and achievements, is constantly absorbed in fantasies of personal victories, expects unconditional good treatment and unquestioning submission from others, and is preoccupied with seeking the admiration of others to confirm his uniqueness and significance. Narcissists are characterized by an inability to show empathy, very often they are convinced that others experience chronic envy of them. “The subjective experience of narcissistic people is saturated with a feeling of shame and the fear of feeling shame. Shame is the feeling that you are perceived as bad, that the reason you are “bad” is not because of how you act, but because of how others treat you. That is, for the narcissist, the locus of control over his self-esteem is not inside, but somewhere outside of him, which forces him to constantly try to control the opinions of others about himself.” (Nancy Mac Williams, Psychoanalytic Diagnostics) As Nancy Mac Williams writes, “Most analysts believe that people take this path because others use them as their own narcissistic appendage... ...Narcissistic patients can be extremely important to parents or other caregivers persons about them not because of who they really are, but because they perform a certain function. The contradictory message that he is valued (but only for the special role he plays) makes the child feel that if his true feelings - especially hostile and selfish - are revealed, rejection or humiliation will follow. This contributes to the development of a “false self” - presenting to others only what is acceptable, what he has learned.” Narcissistic individuals tend to devalue almost everything in the world, while idealizing what they associate themselves with. At the same time, the perception of objects can change sharply and diametrically at any moment, since the line between ideal and insignificant for a narcissist is very thin. Because the narcissistic personality's ability to maintain their own sense of worth is so important to the narcissist, all other aspects of relationships pale into insignificance and he has great difficulty loving anyone. In the DSM-IV (Guide to Diagnostics and statistics of mental disorders) the following characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder are given: Grandiose self-importance Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, splendor, beauty or ideal love Belief in one’s “exceptionalism”, the belief that one should be friends and can only be understood by one’s own “exceptional” " or people in high positions Needs excessive admiration Feels like he has some special rights Exploits people Doesn't know how to empathize Often envies others and believes that others are jealous of him Shows arrogant, arrogant behavior or attitude. Causes of Narcissistic Disorder Modern social order greatly contributes to the development of narcissism. The possibility of quickly moving from one place of residence to another, the severance of habitual social ties, the emergence of the Internet and social networks, where the personality itself is absent, but there is its “presentation” - a wrapper with the help of whicha person demonstrates himself to the world - all this contributes to the fact that issues related to the impression we make on other people become especially important. Because in such conditions the formula “you will never have a second chance to make a first impression” begins to work flawlessly. We simply do not have time to get closer and get to know other people better - the bustling and running world prevents this in every possible way. Everything needs to be done quickly: think quickly, choose, prefer, reject. Get to know each other quickly, get close quickly, quickly build personal happiness. Like in a supermarket - run up, choose, throw it in the cart, take the freest checkout, run home, eat or use it. And when buying goods, we do not smell or taste them, but look at the beauty of the wrapper, the brightness of the picture, and read the text (which may not completely correspond to the content). But with kefir everything is simple - sooner or later, through trial and error, we find one that is more or less acceptable to us. With people it is much more difficult. When choosing by a beautiful wrapper, we risk stumbling upon inedible contents, and in the case of daffodils, we may not understand this very, very soon. After all, as was said above in the description of the narcissistic personality structure, the narcissist does his best to hide his “dark” sides and intensively demonstrates his “light” ones. But they don’t become narcissists just like that. Narcissists are victims of a certain attitude towards themselves from their own parents (or one significant parent). So, in the process of growth and upbringing, parents constantly, chronically, in a wide variety of ways demonstrate to their own child that they love him for a reason, not just like that. Figuratively speaking, “if he” is obedient, handsome, successful, his mother loves and accepts him: “Oh, you are my son! Oh my joy! Oh my beauty! If a child dares to express his needs for something, does not agree with his mother’s opinion, does not turn out to be “sufficiently” beautiful, smart, or talented, then he will be cruelly rejected: “Bastard! Scum! Get out of my sight! Mom doesn't love you! Rejection can also manifest itself in calmer forms - ignoring, feigned cold indifference, silence, detachment on the part of the mother. The message remains the same: “You didn’t please me, so I don’t love you.” Here I would like to note that, unlike families where the child is simply not loved and not cared for, they do not notice him, in a narcissistic family he is gets quite a lot of attention. But not attention to his needs, but attention to what he can “give” to his parents. He is loved not with unconditional, complete love, because he simply is, but with conditional love - it manifests itself only when the child satisfies the needs of the parent - for example, in pride (look how talented and smart my son is!) or in the opportunity to use him in their own interests (no, you won’t go to school today. Mom needs to help clean the apartment!). Surviving in such conditions, the child learns the following attitude: “They will love me only if I...”. In the future, he will perceive other people and the world around him in the same way: “I will love them only if they... In order to be loved, I must be... Therefore, in order for me to be loved, he/she/they must....” Such a worldview is reminiscent of the phenomenon of hazing, a phenomenon that periodically occurs in the army. The more experienced soldiers begin to bully the new arrivals because... they were bullied too. In most cases, they behave this way because they simply do not know another, alternative way of interacting with people. That is, as they grow up, the narcissist begins to project their worldview onto the entire world around them. He “loves” in exactly the same way that his parents “loved” him. Just as they did not see him as a separate person with his own interests and needs, he perceives close people as his own extension, or as inanimate objects (like a chair, table, furniture in the house) with whom hehas the right to do as he pleases. He can move it to the place he likes best. It can be thrown away, it can be remade. After all, for a narcissist, relationships of love and intimacy are not about respect and acceptance of another, but about a game of use, submission and dependence. If I like it, I’ll take it, if I don’t like it, I’ll throw it away. In addition, chronic efforts aimed at hiding those aspects that, in his opinion, others might reject, form a very inflated self-esteem in the narcissist. Constant filtering of one’s “negative” manifestations, “retouching” what is bad and emphasizing what is good, carried out by checking with the “Ideal” - an external source of worship (as a rule, these are socially approved forms of behavior, appearance, possession of prestigious things etc.) creates the illusion of one’s own infallibility and ideality. “Since I do so much to fit in, I’m the best!” If you can’t be the best in some areas, they simply fade into the shadows. Loser narcissists also like to speculate that they had the wrong conditions, they were interfered with, they were put in the way, etc. The reason for this behavior is simple - they cannot bear the thought of their own imperfection, because “imperfection” is equated with “I am impossible to love.” For the same reason, the narcissist will strive to destroy and devalue any person who is in some way superior to himself. Remember the story about the sleeping beauty: “My light is a mirror, tell me... Am I the cutest in the world?” When the Queen realizes that her Stepdaughter has surpassed her in beauty, she poisons her. Intolerance of their own imperfections causes strong envy and hatred in narcissists towards people who, in their opinion, have what they do not have - be it personal qualities, appearance, material wealth etc. If suddenly these people turn out to be children, relatives, friends, they are especially at risk of falling under an attack of narcissistic envy. As a rule, such an attack begins with devaluation and ridicule: “What are you earning there? This is complete nonsense... Bill Gates - yes, this is earnings...”, “Beautiful?! Do not make me laugh! Look at your nose/lips/legs/hands/eyes.” Later, heavier artillery is used, for example, demands to give up what the narcissist is jealous of: “If you don’t quit your job, then you don’t love me! I don't need a working wife! I need a woman in the house! It doesn’t matter that you earn a lot and that you like your job! Choose who you like more - me or work!” Direct sabotage can also be used against a person - and here the choice of “weapon” depends not on the moral standards of the person, but on the severity of the narcissistic disorder. The result of a relationship with a narcissist As a result, we have the following sad picture. Let me give you an example: You meet a charming person (it doesn’t matter whether it’s a man or a woman). He/she is sweet, pleasant, wonderful in every way. After all, he/she is a narcissist - he puts forward his best sides and hides his worst. You lose your head, fall in love and enter into an intimate relationship with a narcissist. At first everything goes great. Because the narcissist who has a crush on you is also captivated by fascination, he is in the phase where you are a “favorite thing”, “the right valuable toy”. And he starts playing with you. But you are not a toy. You are a living person. With your own quirks, needs, desires. And as soon as they conflict with the narcissist’s needs, his love fails. At first, he is sincerely upset, angry and shows you his disappointment: “You are a bad boy/girl! Mom doesn’t love you anymore!” If you fall for this bait and give up your needs in favor of the narcissist’s needs, everything more or less calms down and you again become a “favorite toy.” If this does not happen, the narcissist becomes disappointed in you. And this is where a process called “narcissistic devaluation” occurs. Simply, the thing that the narcissist perceived as necessary and valuable ceases to be so for him. The thing is you, inin this case. You fall from the high pedestal of the Ideal into the abyss of Insignificance. The narcissist leaves you with his head held high. And it’s good if he leaves just like that - after all, he can also kick. He hoped and relied on you. And you turned out to be a low-quality product, a defect. “Who will pay me the penalty?” That's right, you. But to be honest, relationships with narcissists do not always end so quickly. The fact is that not everyone is able to quickly recognize and leave a narcissist. Why? Because every person has personal traumas, disturbances of perception and numerous “implanted” ideas that do not belong to us, but control us (Decent women do not behave like this! A good man is always inferior to a woman! etc.) As a result of this, far Not all of us are fully aware of our own boundaries, needs and desires. What are our own boundaries? Essentially, this is a system of receptors that controls our perceptions and sensations, which later turn into feelings. For example, the temperature of this water is pleasant for me, but the other is too cold. This person is standing at a distance that does not cause me internal discomfort - but this one is too close. I want to talk to you about this, but not about this. I like this food, but this one disgusts me. If the system is disrupted, a person cannot immediately realize that he is being hurt or unpleasant. All this creates significant problems in making personal choices, defending one’s own interests and correct orientation in the environment. Therefore, when falling into the web of a narcissist, quite often a person becomes aware of the fact that he and his life are crumbling at a very late stage. For example, a young successful woman, a talented artist, meets a narcissistic man. At first the narcissist tells her: “Don’t wear that dress.” , it's too provocative. And don’t paint your lips when you leave the house without me. Only with me! So that I can be proud of you...” “He’s jealous,” she thinks, wipes off her lipstick and puts on jeans. Some time passes, she no longer dresses up for work. So as not to anger your loved one. The beloved puts forward a new demand: “I don’t need a woman - a business woman! I need a mistress in the house! “Okay,” she thinks, “This is for the happiness of our family.” And she quits her beloved job. Then she is limited in expenses, more and more prohibitions are imposed, and she is provoked to make new concessions. When she is squeezed like lemon and can no longer give anything to the narcissist, he experiences that same “narcissistic disappointment.” The item can no longer serve its owner; the item must be thrown away. And with the words: “Look what you have become!” or other similar things, the narcissist will get rid of the unnecessary thing by any means available to him. And, having become sufficiently indignant and complaining about “how I was deceived once again,” the narcissist sets off to look for a new object of love. A person who has gone through all this execution will have to restore a lot - mental health, appearance, professional suitability, and so on. This is not a “broken trough” story. In this case, the person himself turns into a “broken trough.” Children of narcissists I would like to say a special word about the children of narcissists. Above, I said that narcissistic personality disorder is a direct consequence of this attitude of parents towards their children, in which the child receives not unconditional, accepting love, but conditional encouragement - “If you please me, I love you, but if you upset me, I reject you.” It follows from this that most often children who are narcissists grow up in the families of parents who are narcissists. But not all children are able to meet the high demands of their parents. Some people are not loved simply because they are “the wrong gender”, “came from the wrong father/mother”, “appeared at the wrong time”, “not smart/pretty enough/not blonde/not brunette/and so on.” Often in one family, one child becomes a narcissist, since he manages to fit into the rigid grid of his parents’ demands, while the second experiences rejection, feels like an outcast, an inferior person, a loser,