From the author: Collection: You are not alone. - K.:Ukraine, 2007.- 183 p. When you are calm, then you are the master of time, when you are nervous or in a hurry, then time is your master, and you are its slave! Konstantin Shchemelinin When someone in the family has cancer, all family members experience this disease in their own way , regardless of age. As a parent who has learned about a life-threatening illness in their own child, you may experience severe mood swings. Fear is replaced by anger and anger, then pity for yourself and for the child may appear, after a while you yourself may be surprised at your laughter, smile, the ability to rejoice in this difficult period, and then you may feel tired, powerless, that you are unable to influence on the state of health of your own child, sometimes you are calm, and sometimes you are “excited” to the limit. A child can experience the same sudden transitions in emotional state; this can manifest itself in capriciousness, negativism, stubbornness, irritability, aggressive behavior, tearfulness, demandingness, loving-kindness and tenderness. Try to understand and accept all the feelings that arise in you and your child. If you have these feelings, then there is a reason for it. Try to accept them as a fact of existence and not blame either yourself or the child for it. When people are faced with a disease as devastating as cancer, their feelings cannot be “decent” or “indecent,” “mature” or “immature,” “good” or “bad.” It's just feelings. Therefore, it is completely useless to tell yourself how you “should” feel. Your task is to learn to respond to these feelings in a way that brings the greatest benefit to you, your child, and your entire family. The first step in this direction is to be aware of the feelings that arise and understand that they are necessary and appropriate in the fight against possible death. [1]Don't be afraid to share your feelings with your family. We have a tendency to support people in their suffering by saying to adults, “Wipe your tears. Calm down. Get a hold of yourself. Don’t become limp”; when addressing children: “You’re big, don’t cry. You're big enough to handle it. Be patient, it’s necessary.” But in order to follow such advice, you need to spend a lot of energy holding on to overwhelming feelings. And the child, in addition to having to fight with pain, also needs to fight with his feelings so as not to show them. Moreover, nothing contributes to the rooting of any feelings more than our attempts to get rid of them. It's like a pot of brew. It stands on the stove, with the lid tightly closed and the steam that is inside it does not escape outside. What will happen to such a pan after some time? Either the lid will come off or the pan will explode. It’s the same with feelings: they are inside and if you restrain them, they will still “break through”, but will this be the right situation, how will this affect you and your child? Nobody can predict this. But if feelings are accepted, if they are lived, then it is much easier to survive difficult life situations. Whatever your feelings or the feelings of your loved ones are, it's normal. Whatever the patient feels is also normal. If you find yourself trying to influence how other people feel, stop yourself. This can only lead to pain and disruption of the relationship between you. After learning about a child’s cancer, parents often cry a lot. And this is normal, because they mourn their belief that children will live forever. They grieve the loss of their child's health and the fact that the child is no longer strong and full of energy. Grief is a natural reaction to this situation, and the family must try to understand and accept this. Cry, tears give vent to emotions, help to overcome grief. When a person, in the face of death, restrains his feelings and does not show that he is in pain, this is not a sign of courage. Courage is to bethe person you truly are, even if others judge you by existing standards that dictate how you “should” behave. The only, but very important, help that a family can offer to a sick child in this situation is the willingness to go through all these difficulties with him. If the child does not say that he wants to be left alone, be with him, provide him with as much physical warmth and intimacy as possible. Hug and touch him often. Let the child cry, let the child talk about everything that interests him: about life and death, about health and illness, about today and tomorrow, about what was and what will happen. We must take into account that in the hospital they always talk about death, and we must understand that the child will think about it in any case. If you don’t talk to your child, he will be left alone with his thoughts, he will think about them alone. Some children may feel guilty for being sick, for the fact that their mother has teary eyes, for that they are in the hospital, because mom is angry, but you never know why. Very often, children do not distinguish between the deep pain of their parents, anger at the illness and the desire to reprimand. They may be afraid that their parents will not help them, that they will leave them. It is important to explain to the child that he is not to blame for his illness. But in order to find out what is going on in a child’s soul, you need to talk to him. He may not be to blame, but there is no other way than to ask him about it. Talk to your child about his illness - because for now, at the moment, this is something in his and your life that takes a lot of strength, energy and time. Imagine yourself in the child's place. Imagine that you are the same age as your child, maybe five, maybe twelve. You got sick and it was you and your relatives who brought you to the hospital. You were not left alone in the department; there is someone close to you. But they don’t tell you what kind of illness you have, what it’s called, or what your chances of recovery are. You don't know what you need to fight. You are told that a nurse (or an aunt in a white coat) will not do anything wrong, but she hurts you! You have been deceived! Why, why, and maybe for what reason, are you experiencing so much inconvenience, so many unpleasant procedures! If you start talking to someone about it, people move away from the conversation. You are sad, but they laugh, sometimes even inappropriately. You see the tear-stained eyes of your loved ones, but they say that everything is fine, everything is fine. There are still sick people around, but they are bald, sometimes on crutches or wheelchairs. You can continue all the nuances of being in the hospital and undergoing treatment yourself. The most important and unpleasant thing is that no one explains to you what is happening around you. Usually in such a situation of uncertainty, a lot of fears arise, anxiety grows, and instead of fighting the disease, energy is spent on fighting experiences and emotional states. The inability to talk about your condition, about yourself, about what is happening, creates a feeling of loneliness and isolation. It seems that everyone has abandoned you, abandoned you, no one needs you. Nobody knows how difficult and difficult it is for you. In order to dispel such states, take an interest in your child’s feelings and experiences. Give him an example, share your first feelings and experiences with him. Don’t use general words like “it’s hard for me too.” Yes, it’s hard for you two, but in different ways. The child hurts and you hurt - only the child has a leg, but you have a soul or heart. The child is feeling nauseous and dizzy, and you are experiencing anxiety and fear, etc. Such communication may seem unnecessary and even harmful and dangerous. You may ask why concentrate on such negative experiences, feelings, sensations. People often think that doing this will only make the pain worse. But in fact, everything happens the other way around. If you verbalize your feelings, their intensity decreases and they go away. After all, these feelings still exist, there is no escape from them. Some parents may drink alcoholor other narcotic substances, but such numbness brings only temporary relief. When sobering comes, feelings return. I propose not to keep these feelings to yourself, not to accumulate them, not to collect them, but to speak them out and live them. As one of my teachers said, if tears burn in the stomach, they can cause an ulcer, and if tears run down the cheeks, then they are just tears. The fear, anxiety, and restlessness that a child may have can also, even without medications, lead to unpleasant sensations in the stomach, nausea, headaches, palpitations, etc. And this is in addition to low mood. By talking through his feelings, voicing his feelings about the occurrence of these sensations, the child will not only reduce their strength, but will also see your attention to himself, your interest in his life, your love and care. Talk to the child about how he is living, how he is he feels not only physically, but what is in his soul, how he feels sick. Try to hear what he is talking about, maybe you will be able to see what desire is behind his words. Maybe he wants to be pitied, caressed, understood how hard it is for him, or paid attention, not scolded, not judged, accepted for who he is, simply loved. If you are talking to a child, it would be better if you turn to him face and give it as much attention as you can give at the moment. Try not to judge what your child will say. Try to find out from the child with what feeling he is talking to you, that he is now experiencing anger, resentment, irritation, pride, joy or something else. Share your feeling about your child’s story; it could be sympathy, regret, willingness to be there, or maybe just love. Such communication will show the child that you were attentive, you understood him, you did not leave him alone with your experiences, thoughts, feelings. When a child has cancer, it is important to offer him your support and not make him a foolish baby. If a child is sick, this does not mean that he is not able to decide something. In addition, because children's feelings are not buried as deeply as adults', and they are less likely to judge themselves for them, children often cope much better with difficult experiences than adults. If you don't treat your child like he's small, you will show that you believe in him. Therefore, if a child is afraid of treatment, you can tell him the following: “Yes, it can be painful, it’s understandable that you are afraid. But this treatment is necessary to get better, and I will be with you all the time.” This last “I will be with you” is the most important thing. No amount of persuasion or kind words can compare with the fact that you will be with your child, no matter how old he is.[1]There is an opinion that everything is difficult for a sick child. He has little strength, his perception and attention are often scattered, he is awkward in his movements and takes a long time to carry out errands or various tasks, even to take care of himself. Therefore, sometimes it seems that sick children need to be protected from stress that can cause fatigue. And then parents and relatives try to protect the patient from various tasks, even around the house, taking care of themselves, and they stop controlling their studies. Why praise then? How can you then get approval if the child does nothing? But he really wants to be proud of him, to be told that he is great and smart. By giving instructions to children, encouraging them to do various things, you thereby do not erase him from the flow of life, you show that you believe in him. By calling him your assistant, you increase his vital importance for you and for the whole family. In many families, the needs of the patient are put first, because the relatives unconsciously believe that the patient will die. Sometimes this attitude can be heard in the following words of someone close: “We may only have a few last months left with him, and I want everything to be perfect.” This.