There is one good ancient parable... One king, a great lover of archery and himself a very accurate shooter, dreamed of meeting an even more skillful shooter. But throughout his life he was never able to find such a person. And then one day, driving through one village, he saw traces of shooting with the highest accuracy. On every tree, on every wooden fence, wherever possible, a circle was drawn, and in its center there was an arrow. The king stopped his chariot and asked: “Where is this Great master? I want to express my admiration for him! I will invite him to the palace. He should be my teacher. All my life I have been looking for a shooter more skillful than me, but I have never found one! But the one who hit all these targets has absolute accuracy. He didn't miss even a fraction of an inch. All his arrows hit exactly the center! The king approached the trees and was more and more surprised. All the arrows were exactly in the middle of the circle. But for some reason the gathered villagers were smiling. They behaved strangely and avoided answering. “What’s the matter?” - asked the king. - Why do not you answer? Where is this skilled shooter? The residents continued to laugh furtively. Finally, one of them stepped forward and said: “He is not a skilled shooter at all, he is a fool!” “You are fools yourself!” - said the king. “You call such a skillful shooter crazy?” Then the residents said: “You see, first he shoots an arrow and then draws circles around it.” We tried to explain to him that this was wrong, but his answer was: “What difference does it make? Should I draw the target first or later? The main thing is the result! But as you say, I’ve tried many times, it turns out worse!” Tell me, just honestly, what do you do? I don’t think there is a single person who can compare himself to a shooter. So, do you always know where you are going??? Do you draw a target in advance and almost always hit it? When you choose a kitten at the market, do you know what you will return home with? How detailed? Or you have never thought about adopting a kitten, but this one meowed so pitifully, looking into your very soul, that you could not pass by. And now, when you come home from work, every time you find yourself in someone else’s apartment: newspapers are torn, flowers are dug out of pots, and some are simply lying broken on the floor, and your favorite pillow smells... Well, let's not talk about the patient. And there is only one question in my head, where or to whom should I now give this plaintive, soft, meowing monster? Although it would be better to ask myself another question before bringing a kitten into my house: why do I need it? That is, for what? To meow, or sit on your lap, or something else? Of course, this does not mean that your kitten would become better if you realized your goal. But then it would become clearer. I want to adopt a kitten so that I have someone to take care of and raise. Now everything is clear with broken pots and a puddle on the pillow! You hit the nail on the head!! When you choose a husband, what principle do you follow? Many people choose from what they come across. Are you not? Then you should have a clear list of qualities of what it should be. Yes? And the most important question: when you decided to have a child, did you know what you wanted him to be like? Beautiful, smart, the best? It's clear. Is that all? Then why does the question often arise that the child does not obey, does poorly at school, fights and generally does not respect his parents? Why do you care so much? After all, he is handsome because he looks like you, smart, like his father or mother (who else can he learn from?) and the best…. Or are there children for you whom you consider better than your child? Well, then this is a topic for another conversation. Did you know why you need a child? What was your goal in this case? Unfortunately, in life we ​​very rarely set goals for ourselves. We have dreams, but we don't look for a way to make them come true. We are doing something, but we don’t know why. And if we suddenly think about it, it often turns out that we don’t need it. As practice shows, the less significant the goal is for us, the more likely it is that we willLet's think about it. For example, I want to have a good New Year's celebration. Then I write myself a list of dishes that I will cook, a list of products that I need to buy, and I count the money that I need to spend. I invite the guests I want to see, come up with an entertainment program... That is, slowly but surely I am moving towards my goal! If the event is more significant for me, then setting a goal is not even a question!! I want my own child. Husband, where are you? Come here….. There’s no time to set a goal, this needs to be done urgently before anyone changes their mind! I can already hear the murmur of discontent: “How can you compare a child with a kitten or a trip to the store? What blasphemy!! This is much more serious!!!” Yes, more seriously, which means we had to approach goal setting more seriously!!! Have you ever thought about it? Most likely no. Ask yourself one simple but very serious question: why did I give birth (decided to have) my child? Note, not why, but for what!!! It is quite difficult to answer this question. But once you know the answer, you will finally know your goal. After all, you had it before, only unconsciously. And in accordance with it you raise your child. So why? Be extremely honest with yourself (well, at least with yourself!)!! The answers may be something like this: I didn’t plan it, it just happened that way. Everyone does it. For procreation. Age has come. I was married, why not give birth. The husband (wife) insisted. So that there is someone to bring water to in their old age. I realized that I would never get married; I didn’t want to be alone. So that it doesn't get boring. 10. To have someone to take care of. 11. In order not to feel flawed, inferior. 12. ….There can be a lot of options. Do you have your own? Add it to the list. There was a case in my practice. Mom intensively taught her five-year-old daughter three languages, as she predicted a good career as a translator. All efforts were devoted to achieving this good goal: the best tutors were hired, they communicated with the child in different languages ​​whenever possible, there was absolutely no time to play, because it was necessary either to study with a tutor or to do homework, which the mother generously begged from the teachers. After some time, the child became, to put it mildly, insane. The girl refused to do her homework, had difficulty remembering even interesting foreign songs and fairy tales, and it seemed that she deliberately stopped understanding foreign speech, was capricious and often cried. Mom, in her concern, turned to me with a request to develop perseverance, memory, attention of her daughter, as well as “influence” her difficult character. Can we say that she does not love her daughter? No. After all, she is already so concerned about her future! She's so worried about her! After all, she spends so much money and effort on her development!! But does all this make her child happy? And herself? Does she know where the road of good intentions leads her? Yes, to a happy, rich future for your daughter!! I tried to explain to my mother that a five-year-old child simply cannot withstand such physical activity, that the girl has completely lost all desire to study and has no motivation to learn, that at her age it is necessary to spend almost all the time playing and study for half an hour a day for the child it will be quite enough... But my mother did not understand me. After all, she is not thinking about the fact that the child is already exhausted, but about a brilliant future! You can say that knowing your goal does not change anything. But this is not true. Knowing the goal, you will understand yourself better (why, for example, you are so annoyed that your child does not want to study). You will be able to understand what conflicts you may have with your child in the future. After all, he is not at all obliged to amuse you, for example. He will have his own life! You will be able to understand why you focus, for example, on the health of the child (after all, the successor of the family must be healthy) and do not worry at all that most of his time he can cope perfectly well without you. And in the end, you can understand whether your goal is really that important? Are you reallydo you want exactly this? Maybe it’s much more important to you, for example, that your child is adjusted to life than just making you laugh? Or that he should just be happy? And your goal, as it turns out, unknowingly interferes with his happiness. Or you suddenly realize that your good intentions are simply leading in the wrong direction. Here are some rough questions, the answers to which will help you clarify your goals and raise your child: Why did I give birth (decided to have) my child? What qualities do I want my child to have? Which of these qualities do I have? What values ​​in life are most important to me (money, freedom, kindness, happiness, family, mutual understanding, etc.)? Given my goal (see point 1), what kind of child will I have? What do I focus my energy on, what do I focus on in my upbringing? Here are the main questions. For better understanding, I recommend writing down the answers on paper. This will allow you to formulate them more clearly, re-read them later and see inaccuracies, contradictions and flaws that do not suit you. After all, we often want to say one thing, but say something else. So your answers should reflect your thoughts very clearly and clearly. So that anyone who reads them understands exactly what you wanted to write. Wrote? Now read it with detachment, as if it was not you who wrote this and not about your child. After that, do you still want something, demand something from your children??? Remember now the parable about the shooter... Has your opinion of yourself as a shooter changed? Have you managed to be honest with yourself? Have you found answers to the questions posed? ?Or are you still outraged by the fact that a child (!!Holy!!) might be needed for something!? Maybe you think that if everyone asked themselves this question, people would have died out long ago like mammoths? Well, everyone can have their own opinion. If you've never thought about this before and you already have two children, don't worry. It's not too late to ask yourself these questions. If you are thinking about it now, and the answer does not suit you, do not panic. We all tend to make mistakes, wrong steps, but this does not mean that we cannot turn around, choose a different road, set a different goal!!! You ask, what to do? Think! First, find a goal that suits you. Decide what is most important to you in your child's life. How do you see his life, how do you see him... today, tomorrow, in a year, in ten... What is important to decide here is not what he will do and how many children he will have. And what qualities will be useful to him (qualities, skills, knowledge). What is more important to you, his genius, his health, his happiness, his success? And remember, the child does not have to live up to your expectations. He came to build his life, gain his experience, make his mistakes... What do you think will help him in life? Will good grades help you be successful? Or is something else needed for this? What and how to educate it are the main questions. Knowing your goals, draw up a strategy, a mini plan for the development of certain qualities in a child. How can you develop a certain quality? – 10-15 points, even the most absurd ones at first glance. The important thing here is to come up with them quickly and not criticize them in the process of coming up with them. The idea came to me - I wrote it down. After that, choose 5-6 items that you like best. How often will you do this, for how long? We wrote it down - here’s your mini plan and it’s ready. All that remains is to do it!! Now that you know your goals, can you track whether you are following them or not? When you buy your child a 556 car, a 243 doll and a 35 ball, you are shooting at the “my child should have the best” tree. At the same time, the child’s spoilage, lack of interest in new things, and perhaps even future greed are at the center, because he doesn’t need as much. The fewer toys, the better the imagination. Because the child begins to make toys himself, using everything that comes to hand. And then half of the clothespin suddenly becomes a beautiful beauty in an amazing dress made from a candy wrapper. When you feed your child 7 times a day, constantly buying him the best!!!