From the author: This is a very sad story about life and death, about femininity and the fears of a little girl, about self-hatred and love for an ideal. I wish to become an angel. (Note on a case on the problem of eating disorders).Perhaps, N. really already became an angel when she turned up at my reception, only a fallen one. In her subsequent memories of her angelic service to an unknown god, she became a pure feather carried somewhere by the wind of life. On a cold winter morning, she almost died on the way to her office from lack of strength and cold, which neither her expensive fur coat nor a maintenance dose of amphetamine could no longer compensate for. It was as if an unknown spirit had settled in her empty stomach, demanding unconditional worship from her and not allowing life inside. Submitting to him, she hated herself and her reflection in the mirror, caused her periodic, now ritual vomiting, drew endless diagrams of “proper” nutrition and calculated calories. But no matter how hard N. tried, she could not see even a drop of angelicity in her refusal of food and sex. Each time, a paranoid creature looked at her from the mirror, similar in appearance to a once beautiful girl, tortured and mutilated by the cruel camp regime of the times of Nazi Germany. But then, on that winter day, she was afraid of her death, so she decided to turn from a failed anorexic girl into a beautiful slender girl with one “but”: she continued to consider herself “a fat ugly cow, suffocating from the weight of her own fats and other internal dirt of the human body.” She moved into the stage of bulimia, while maintaining a slender body, but waging a daily grueling battle with gluttony, with “demons,” frantically wanting to “lose weight.” This is a very sad story about life and death, about femininity and the fears of a little girl, about self-hatred and love for the ideal. At times she experienced such a strong feeling of insignificance, reaching the point of personal annihilation, that the most desirable thing for her became “disappearance”: she would like to “cease to be.” And there was no talk of suicide, because death scared her. N. would like to become an angel, a disembodied being without the need to consume and excrete. If it were her will, she would tightly seal all the natural orifices of the human body. Psychologically, this is exactly what was happening to her. She strove for an “ideal form of existence”: without a body, without smell, without gender. To fulfill her insane desire, she needed to eliminate nothing less than life itself. She spoke with disgust about her breasts and recalled her early teens when they were flat. “Shackled in her infantile needs, she is unable to know another person. She cannot make the transition from childhood to womanhood.” (M. Woodman) N achieved something, she said her weighty word to Mother Nature. Why does she need natural cycles when she lives according to her own schedule? There are no periods - this somehow brought her closer to the angels. She struggled daily with the normal process of life through exhaustive diets, exercise, constant artificial vomiting and enemas. Gradually, N began to think poorly, so she chose a job for herself in which she only had to perform, and even this began to be difficult for her. Should angels think and go to work? I will not retell my client's family history. Let me just say that her entire childhood was spent in the furnace of an ongoing war between her parents, where she put through so much crap, anger and hatred that it was hard to believe how she even survived. But she survived, and this made her a strong and strong-willed person, capable of survival. True, she did not see that all her energy and strength was directed towards slow suicide, which was hidden under the guise of the desire for an ideal. But before she found the meaning of life, which led her to almost complete collapse, she left as a teenager.