From the author: A “stranger” has appeared in his life, but he needs to “build bridges”.... “Dad, mom, me..... But is the family really happy, if he is now in dad’s place?.... Another uncle... mom’s new husband... And now he will always live with us...” - the bitterness of a child in a renewed family when “mom got married.” Divorce is always a pain, it always a source of shock and suffering for all participants, including the child. But suffering does not end with divorce. The child still needs to overcome a lot in order to adapt to a new life. However, the appearance of a new partner with parents again introduces changes, aggravating the experiences. On the other hand, having overcome this crisis, the child has the opportunity for further successful development. But in order to cope with it, the child, just like after a divorce, needs the help, understanding and support of adults. When “mom gets married,” indeed, children are often not ready for such a turn of events. The initial non-acceptance of a mother’s new friend/husband is a natural phenomenon, because he, this man, became the only new object of her love, a source of happiness, “pushing aside” the child. Mistakes of adults and motives for the child’s non-acceptance of the stepfather.1. The child’s surprise and unpreparedness for a new acquaintance. The mother confronts him with the fact that this is her new friend, and he should now be called “dad.” But can a child just like that, “out of the blue” call a stranger, a stranger, with this secret word “dad”? After all, he has his own, dear one, who now, although he does not live with them, is the Real Pope.2. The stepfather tries to actively “tame” the child, introducing and imposing his own rules, prohibitions, punishments and “friendship.” What is not taken into account here is that children perceive and accept the authority of only those people they know, respect and trust (“their own”). In other cases, the child can only obey and obey out of fear. This also applies to the child-stepfather relationship. After all, my mother’s new husband is a serious competitor in the fight for her love and attention. And behind the child’s aggressiveness, which can go far, fear is hidden to a greater extent. However, if the “competitor” is attractive to the child, fear recedes, and in this case, the children try to gain the favor of their stepfather. If his intentions are serious towards his mother, then he himself tries to win the sympathy and trust of the children. Therefore, the child’s jealousy may initially be directed against the mother, who “acts as a competitor” for the man’s attention. But, if he fails to “win” his stepfather or becomes disappointed in him, then the child will perceive him as a threat. In this case, the child begins to compete with the stepfather, to fight for the mother. And again, the child finds himself in a difficult situation, since his loyalty conflict between his feelings for his own father and his stepfather intensifies. If a warm relationship and mutual understanding develop with the stepfather, then he begins to consider himself a traitor to his father. After all, now he again needs to make a decision on which side to remain on, and it may not be in favor of his own father. On the other hand, if the relationship between dad and child remains close and trusting, then he, in order not to lose his father’s love, may decide against his stepfather. Children often fantasize about the fact that their father may return to the family. They may conjure up an idealized image of a parent they rarely see, which in reality inevitably results in crushing disappointment for them. However, the hope of restoring his family provokes the child to fight in three directions: a) against the love relationship between mother and stepfather, in order to oust him from the family territory; b) proves his love and loyalty to his father, often trying to force/provokes him to take all possible actions to return into the family triad;c) and, of course, fights with himself in order not to “let” love and good feelings for his stepfather into his heart.3. Which one is the besta common motive for non-acceptance of a stepfather/stepmother? The answer is simple - fear of losing a father or mother. Non-acceptance of parents' new partners can also stem from hatred. If the child considers them to be guilty of their parents’ divorce. It is this new partner of mom/dad that is a good target for dumping on him/her all the rage that is unconsciously intended for both parents. After all, it’s easier to deal with someone else’s, because feelings for him are unambiguous, not ambivalent as for mom and dad.4. Relationships that are called “behind the curtain” (intimate, sexual) between adults also haunt the child. Of course, mom and dad also had this relationship, but they managed to integrate their intimate life into their everyday existence. And now the mother does not spend the night at home, or suddenly the child is sent to grandma, or unexpectedly goes for a walk outside. “...And why does this mother’s friend spend the night with us? I used to sleep with my mother, and now he? And mom is somehow not like that - everything is with him and with him” - these reasonings of a five-year-old boy reveal his inner loneliness, worries, melancholy... The exposure of a narcissistic wound - and this hurts. For a child, the relationship between parents had fewer mysteries, after all, they were just mom and dad, and the child experienced their relationship through his own person. The mother’s new relationship with the “stranger” exists independently of him, of the child, something that makes him think about the mysteries of love between a man and a woman. Also, the child feels the intensity and brightness of this relationship between the mother and her friend (stepfather) and he is not able to compete in it. Moreover, this side of the image of the mother (father) is not yet known to him and is frightening. How to ease the “grinding in” in the “stepfather-child” relationship? This question worries many parents who have decided to create new families. First of all, you need to respect the child’s difficulties. That is, give him time to adapt, be tolerant of his protest, his struggle for self-affirmation. Do not manipulate his feelings and do not hold a grudge against him - he is just a child and is fighting for “his place in the sun.” The new spouse of the mother needs to understand that a child is a person already with a wounded soul and you need to try to win his trust, win him over, only then count on his full trust, acceptance and affection. This also applies to the father’s girlfriend. It is advisable for the mother and stepfather to reconcile themselves and not interfere with the child’s meetings with his own father. He needs it now and in the future. He cannot be erased from the lives of children. The same applies to the mother if the child remains to live in the father’s new family. Do not sort things out with your ex-husband (wife) in front of the child. Even in a whisper. Even mentally. Don't humiliate or devalue him/her. Do not debate about him/her with family or friends, especially in the presence of a child. He will immediately feel your anger, aggression and this will make him even more unhappy, embittered and in conflict with himself (and not only). Dear parents, you can save your child from an additional conflict of loyalty if you understand that a “stranger” has appeared in his life “a person who plays “not the last violin in the orchestra of fate” of your child. If the new couple is confident in their feelings for each other and in their intention to stay together, then it is easier for them to perceive the child’s reactions. There is no need to re-educate or “train” him, because he himself can accept the composition of the new family as a given and live serenely and joyfully. Otherwise, children begin to take all possible actions to restore their family of origin and old relationships. It is necessary to remember and understand that the child loves his parents, both mom and dad, equally - let him do this. As an adult, he will understand everything himself and deal with his feelings. Now let him love dad/mom and never hear anything bad from you about a person who is as dear to him as you are, but now lives separately. Then it will be easier for him to build relationships not only with you, his parents, but also with his stepfather/stepmother. No matter how hard it may be for you, try to stay with your ex.