We will not talk about the reasons for the violation of the attachment of the child and mother. They may be objective due to the prevailing circumstances. But this is what happened. The child is not satisfied with the mother’s warmth, but there is a need for this, like the need to breathe and eat. He himself will not be able to get enough of this warmth. He will not be able to satisfy this need on his own. For this, you need a mother or a substitute adult. And the child goes in his thoughts or actions in search of another mother. This is expressed in the fact that he tries to “stick” to the mothers of his friends, teacher, doctor, teacher. But will he get it? desired? No. They will treat him well, stroke him with a gentle look, treat him with sweets, invite him to play, even let him spend the night with his own children. But they won’t love him like a mother. What happens to a real mother? Seeing this behavior of a child, he will suffer: cry, be offended, be angry, be indignant. If he does not know how to change the situation and does not ask for help, then the resentment towards the child will burst into aggression and anger directed at the child. The child will be scolded, punished, but there will be warmth this will make it not more, but less. And parental “candy” here will not increase this warmth. From client stories: I loved a teacher at school. I went to school just to see her. She was so attached to the teacher that during breaks she ran to the teacher’s room and waited for her. She followed her, met her and saw her off, following at a distance. I wrote her notes and put them in a notebook. She talked to me, talked to my mother. My mother forbade me to do this. And then the teacher transferred to another school. I still feel bad about this. This girl has more than once chosen another object of “motherly love.” - I want to get a divorce, but my wife and children are against it. “They are putting pressure on me,” a man nearing retirement age began his story. And then we found out that he got married at the age of 20 because he was looking for maternal warmth. “He married his mother-in-law,” not her daughter. They lived together for almost 40 years. And when my mother-in-law died, there was no point in living with my wife. “My mother is a freak,” the girl said. “She should have been banned from having children.” I don't want to do anything for her. I look at N and imagine that she is my mother. I feel how much she loves me. How we will live together, how I will help her in everything, and she will love me. Bottom line. The search for another mother will never be successful. The substitution will be revealed and this will make it worse, not better. Is it possible to be filled with warmth? Yes! But without trying to find another mother. Contact us to understand this together with a specialist. Confidentiality is maintained, events have been changed.© All rights reserved. Reprinting an article or fragment is possible only with a link to this site and attribution. My book "Don't paint me your color." Dialogues with a psychologist. Helps you understand yourself better.