Family life, according to the most popular family psychotherapist in the United States, Virginia Satir, is the most difficult activity in the world. He compared family relationships with the organization of joint activities of two enterprises combining their efforts to produce a single product. In addition, a family is not just a sum of people (family members), but an open self-developing system with its own laws, norms of behavior and type of relationships at each stage of its development. Today we’ll talk about the problems that young families face. First of all, these are: - everyday difficulties faced by young spouses; - problems of psychological and material dependence of young people on their parents; - the birth of a child and the unwillingness to take on new roles: father and mother. In this article we have the opportunity to address attention to the sources of such difficulties. Here is one of the many letters on these topics: ...My boyfriend and I were together for almost eight years. Moreover, five of them we lived together (with my parents). He is a man of a creative profession, my work is related to children. He often left with his creative group, constantly complaining that no one understood him except me. Then he proposed to me and to earn extra money for the wedding he left for another city. There, within a month, he found someone else and soon left me. Tell me why we broke up? What was he missing? Or maybe I was doing something wrong? Alina, 24 years old. This story is about life in reverse. To understand the essence of the problem, let's remember our good old fairy tales. As a rule, in a fairy tale, a good fellow first overcomes many obstacles on the way to meeting his beloved. In a fairy tale, there is always a place for trials, for the prince to overcome obstacles in order to receive the hand of his beloved girl, and only then the wedding and further life together... All these trials are a kind of training in male viability, the ability to prove oneself in the difficulties of life and accept responsibility for the consequences of one’s choice for yourself and for the person you choose as your companion. What is happening more and more often today? At first, young people try to live just like that, without obligations. Most often in the parents' house. Almost nothing in the everyday life of such “families” changes. A man does not appear as a master, a woman as a mistress. Meanwhile, the wedding continues to be postponed, and sometimes is completely devalued as a relic of the old and unnecessary for a modern person. And really, why get married if we already live together? After all, everything is still not for real: “...we are just getting used to it, trying, and maybe we are not suitable for each other at all...” Then there is always the opportunity to try again, but with a different one... So we deceive ourselves and our partner, trying as if rehearsing life for the future instead of truly living today. In this case, conflict in relationships is inevitable, since life will still create more and more new situations for us that require a clear position. And we also forget that, at its core, a wedding is not so much fun until you drop, but a most important initiation, the meaning of which is the newlyweds taking responsibility for the future of their family, their future. And first of all, by a man, since he and it is he who creates this family, and the woman only marries (her husband). The birth of a child is an important event in a young family, which forever changes the way of life in it. Now, for many years, all the attention and time of parents will be devoted to raising children. Parents will have to adapt to a new way of life for them, to increased physical and psychological stress, restrictions on general leisure and entertainment, and much more in the name of maintaining balance in the new, changed conditions of family relationships. And all these listed tasks also require quick decision-making and, at the same time, coordination of actions.spouses. If these conditions are not met, then all the behavioral changes required from the spouses ultimately become only the strongest stressors for them, leading the family system to a state of collapse. The conflict indicated in the following letters clearly illustrates the typical pattern of this crisis for a young family: ...My husband and I had been married for 2 years when our first-born was born. Naturally, after the birth of the child, I began to pay less attention to my husband - when the baby does not allow me to sleep 24 hours a day, I not only deprived my husband of affection, care and love, but also practically stopped doing everything around the house. Since we lived separately from our parents, you can imagine what a mess the house was. But instead of helping me around the house, understanding me and supporting me, he often began to stay late at work. Recently he came and collected his things, saying that he was leaving for someone else. My newborn son and the support of my friend kept me from committing suicide. Tell me what should I do? Is it possible to forgive him after he betrayed my son and me? Svetlana, 28 years old. ...We got married a year and a half ago, six months after our daughter was born. But now there is a strong discord in our family - my husband and I don’t even talk. The fact is that he behaves as if he never became a father - the same parties, beer in the company of friends, cinema, clubs. I also want to sit with my friends and go to the cinema, but I have to sit with the child, and he is not going to help me. We constantly quarrel on this basis, and the last scandal was so strong that we have been completely ignoring each other for several days now. Tell me, is it possible to reason with him and what should I do? Aigerim, 24 years old Before the birth of a child, both spouses have essentially equal opportunities to work, study, communicate with friends and loved ones. After the birth of a child, the situation changes dramatically: now most of the care of the child falls on the shoulders of the woman, and this is extremely important for the mental development and well-being of the baby. And a man, even if he is a helping and caring father, continues to work and actively communicate with other people. Thus, the birth of a child, as it were, offers young parents new opportunities for communication and cooperation and narrows the existing ones. Unpreparedness for such changes can manifest itself on the part of both men and women. How does this manifest itself? First of all, in maintaining children's behavior with a focus on oneself and satisfying only one's own needs and desires, in the inability to take care of each other. This is accompanied by constant claims towards each other, and then it accumulates like a snowball, leading to new conflict situations, and, as a rule, to a breakdown in relations as a whole. Such a “dead end” in a relationship can only be overcome if the spouses are ready to learn to take into account each other’s needs, share their feelings and understand the feelings of their partner, and are willing to jointly solve problems that arise for the family. And then, the birth of a child only strengthens family ties and makes the family system even stronger and more harmonious. ...When we were dating the guy, everything was just wonderful with us - there probably wasn’t a stronger and more loving couple in the world. But after the wedding, we moved in with him and began to live with his parents. My husband’s mother constantly interferes in our lives, she controls everything: who goes where, what time they return, what they buy. And the worst thing is that the husband is afraid to do something without his mother’s knowledge; he is completely dependent on her. It just infuriates me that he is a man, and at work and among friends he has his own opinion and word, but at home he turns into a doormat and we are forced to live the way his mother wants. I can’t do this anymore and I’m even thinking about divorce, but I feel that I still love him. Tell me, is it possible to change him or this situation or is it really better for me to break up with him? Dinara, 23 years old This is another typical picture in the life of a young family. And it is connected with the difficulties of psychological separation from the parental family.