From the author: For a year now I have been writing notes “Diaries of a Slim Woman”, and now for me this is no longer just an advertisement, but a special space for reflection and experimentation. I would be interested in receiving feedback from those who read my notes. What do you think about the topic under consideration? I have been working with an interesting married couple for some time. We meet every week for psychological consultations. Gradually, step by step, overcoming the misunderstanding between the spouses, we approach the resolution of the conflict situation. At the beginning of our communication, both spouses often used phrases like: “You women cannot understand...” or “Well, a man should...”. I am a woman, and if I enter this game, will we be able to reach an agreement? Will we be able to understand each other, denying this possibility in advance? My youngest daughter once said: “Happiness is when you are understood.” And a very common request for psychological consultation is: “Teach me to speak in such a way that I can be understood.” And this request, as a rule, appears as a result of understanding the conflict in a couple, between a man and a woman. I really want to be happy! So what is the essence of the “man-woman” conflict? In my opinion, this is the opposition of a man and a woman to each other, and hence the confusion about who owes what to whom. Accordingly, both complaints and disappointments from unjustified expectations. What if we look not for differences and obligations, but for commonality and desires? Difficult? Yes, it is much easier when everything has already been decided and prescribed by someone from above, for example, by ancestors. “Domostroy” had amazing folk wisdom; it’s a pity that it is hopelessly outdated for our modern social reality. Yes, and I don’t know about you, but free will is very dear to me. I like to choose the best opportunities for myself. Nowadays there is such a thing as a marriage contract. And a wisely drawn up marriage contract makes it possible to regulate many issues of marriage, but only on the condition that the spouses dare to speak out and write down their expectations and their “unspoken” rules. Life, naturally, makes its own adjustments. Both people and their relationships develop and change over time. Naturally, it is better to change the contract accordingly. What happens if in a couple no one dares to talk directly about their expectations? So, for example, a woman expects (silently) from a man activity in the manifestation of sexual desire, and a man (silently) expects activity from a woman... . This is how both live alone, taking their idea for granted and not understanding the reason for their spouse’s inattention. They speculate about their reasons, get angry, disappointed... And if this couple already has children, then they too have a hard time in the crossfire of reproaches and mutual claims. And how nice it would be to just talk. Agree on the regulation of obligations. This requires dialogue. It is not enough just to present your claims, it is important to ask a question, listen to the answer and answer yourself (or yourself). It is often difficult for a person to conduct a dialogue. Unfortunately, in our culture little attention is paid to this and it is not taught at school and there is often no dialogue in the family. So it turns out that two people say, but not about themselves: “You don’t understand me!”, instead of: “I want to understand you.” And accordingly, they listen only to themselves. It turns out two monologues and a complete lack of understanding - “boo-boo-boo...” It’s so easy to learn dialogue! Suffice it to remember that when your couple was just forming, that man (that woman) was the only one, he was the chosen one, special, extraordinary. He (she) is the same person as you - feeling, vulnerable, understanding... Yes, We - women and you - men have different roles, but our souls equally strive for understanding, intimacy, security. As soon as respect for a partner appears, the conflict “We and men” turns into simply “We”. In order to learn how to conduct a dialogue, and in essence “speak so that you are understood,” there are a lot of communication trainings and classes. A psychologist is a professional communicator who will help you learn.