From the author: The article will be useful to parents whose children do not sleep alone, constantly ask to go to bed with their parents, or ask their parents to sleep next to them. An article about why it is important to wean a child off this, and how to do it painlessly for him! Recently, the number of requests from parents with complaints about such childhood symptoms as increased excitability, impulsiveness, irritability, the habit of biting nails, tapping feet or fingers has increased. , thumb sucking, enuresis, etc. All these problems, of course, can be the result of a wide variety of reasons, but very often they are associated with something that many parents do not pay attention to at all - who the child sleeps with and in what conditions. Due to various circumstances, in some families it becomes a tradition that the child sleeps with one of the parents or grandmother in the same bed. This is explained by the fact that there is no separate room, the child is afraid to sleep alone, the family has a baby who cries at night and thereby interferes with sleep, etc. Of course, sometimes the impossibility of moving a child to another room is caused by the peculiarities of reality - there may not be another room at all. But the lack of a separate room does not prevent you from moving your child to a separate bed. And for parents, whatever the situation in the family, it is important to know: if a child is over 3 years old, then sleeping with him in the same bed is harmful for his psychological development. Let's try to figure out why! We should start with the fact that the development of a child is not a process simple. Being born absolutely dependent on an adult (unable to independently satisfy any of his needs), within the first 3 years the child becomes physically almost completely independent. He takes control of his body and begins to become less dependent on the adult, not only physically, but also emotionally! However, for a long time, the emotional connection of the child with his parents remains very strong, and one of the tasks of child development is the task of so-called separation. In other words, starting from the age of three, the child gradually separates from the parent emotionally! If such separation occurs without problems, then by the age of 7 the child develops the following qualities: self-confidence, independence, courage, activity. If the separation process is delayed, then the child becomes irritable, anxious, timid, aggressive, irresponsible, lacking initiative, etc. And how successfully the child copes with this age task largely depends on the parent! Because for successful separation, in a sense, a child needs the help of a parent! The fact is that the child’s psyche simultaneously develops in two diametrically opposed trends. On the one hand, the child is afraid of being left without a parent (after all, life directly depends on him for a certain period of time) and strives to maintain the closest possible relationship with him. On the other hand, he feels the need for independence (due to more and more physiological development, the child physically begins to feel the need to separate and prove his ability to be independent). Thus, over a certain period (especially acute from 2.5 years to 4 -x) inside the child there is a struggle between two motives: to be as close as possible to the parent and to separate from him. And how the parent himself treats the child depends on whether he can easily cope with these opposite tendencies! The main messages that a child needs to receive from his parents: “We love you. We will support you in everything and accept you no matter who you are. We are next to you even when we are not physically present. No matter what happens, you will not lose our love. And we are not against your independence, we are glad to see your every new step and undertaking!” In other words, the child must “read” in the actions that the parent performs towards him, and in the words that headdresses all these aspects to him. And if he “reads” them, he will not be afraid to take his first independent steps, try and make mistakes, and gradually become independent. The child, in a psychological sense, will take larger and larger steps “from the parent”, increasing the distance and separating, becoming an independent person, and only sometimes returning to make sure that the parent did not lie. If, after three years, the child is afraid to let go yourself as a parent, to take any independent step without him - this indicates that one of the above messages was not heard, and the fear of losing a parent turned out to be stronger than the desire for independence. In this case, the child holds the parent close to him in every possible way and does not let him go. Including, he refuses to sleep in a separate bed! What to do in this situation? First, the parent should understand: the child needs to be helped to overcome his anxieties and take the first steps towards independence. Because the parent supports these anxieties (for example, continues to sleep with the child in the same bed), the fears are only reinforced, and can only get worse every day. At the same time, it is obvious that leaving the child alone with his fears (and, for example, just leaving, leaving him to cry alone) is also not an option. And it is very important for the parent to convey to the child everything that was mentioned above! Show him that he will not leave him to cope with fear alone, and most importantly, under no circumstances will he deprive him of his love. At the same time, the child’s demands to stay in bed should be followed by a gentle but firm “no.” Let’s see how this can look in reality! It is best if the parent chooses a time (not before bedtime) when he talks with the child in a calm and quiet atmosphere about the fact that as a person grows up, he begins to sleep in bed alone, and since the child has also become an adult, from today he will also sleep alone (you can time this to coincide with the 1st day of the month, a birthday, the end of the next year in kindergarten, permission to do something independently as an adult, and any other external event). After this, the parent should definitely add that, if necessary, he will first stay by the child’s bed (and if necessary, hold his hand) until he falls asleep. And after that, the most important thing remains - to keep this promise: to move the child that evening to a separate bed and stay with him until he falls asleep! Of course, you should be prepared for the fact that the first few nights the child will sleep restlessly and wake up and come back to bed with your parent in the middle of the night. In this situation, you MUST calmly but firmly lead the child back and sit with him until he falls asleep again! This action will help the child understand that the decision is final and that the parent will not change his mind. If the parent “gives up,” he will unwittingly tell the child the following: “I am inconsistent; I say one thing and do another; I first insist, and then I give up...” And in this case, the child will be convinced that the parent’s laws are not laws in reality, and because of this he will treat the whole world as impermanent (first one thing happens, and then something completely different, “you can’t trust adults”), which will further increase his anxiety, and therefore make separation even more difficult. Consistency and firmness on the part of the parent will help convince the child that he is loved and will not be left alone! Moreover, only the first few nights can be difficult if the parent really managed to convey the main message to the child and remained calm. The calmness of the parent is generally a separate aspect in this topic. If the child feels calm and confident as a parent throughout the entire process of getting used to a separate bed, if the parent does not get annoyed with the child, this situation will exhaust itself in a few days. However, if the child feels the parent’s anger (irritation, impatience and similar emotions) - this will only strengthen it!