From the author: The article was written by me in 2005 under the impression of working in the psychodynamic group of Doctor A.E. Alekseichika (Lithuania) View from the circle. The spirit of psychotherapy and the acquisition of soulfulness. D. Goncharov (Russia) For where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am in the midst of them. Gospel of Matthew. Chapter 18, verse 20. “...in order to firmly enter the consciousness, an idea must appear to a person as if it were his own discovery.” William James. The name of the topic came unexpectedly two days after the seminar ended. It's all over now. But there was also a beginning. And for me, in the beginning there was a word that was defined by Alexander Efimovich Alekseychik. SOUL is what unites all our individual processes into a single whole. It was this word that stood out as a goal, caused and maintained my constant desire to undergo group therapy. There was still tension and uncertainty, but this meant that something important and significant was happening. A classic property of good therapy... Outwardly, everything was going well. I planned a trip to the seminar and it was a success. Internally, I tried not to think ahead. But how not to make a wish? There were thoughts, feelings, memories, expectations; dreams of my different future and everything is in doubt. And there was confidence: “Everything will be fine.” When my ego did not agree, the Soul lovingly repeated: “Everything will be very good.” And when it became very difficult, I already felt with my whole body: “Everything will be wonderful as always,” but that will happen later, when we go home. In the meantime, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to cope, knowing that for me specifically the path to the group would be difficult. And now it’s the first day, and I realize what I have repressed, what I sincerely forgot about. Before everything is “okay,” you have to work hard. You may even have to be in a strong impasse or on the verge of useful despair. Immersion... And now the work has already begun. Group selection. Limited number of seats. Why is this so important to me? What about others? What do I feel now, what do I believe? Competition masquerading as spirituality. A benefit that is disguised as sincerity. Maybe this description only applies to me? I get a few prickly glances. Are they prickly just for me? (Objective or subjective). Their words indicate a friendly attitude. Among practicing psychologists and psychotherapists, it is not so easy to determine the real attitude towards oneself. There are also those who express themselves definitely. Now it becomes clear: “I’m here only for myself for now. It seems many people do too.” I'm starting to feel unfairly rejected by the majority of the group. Would you like to know what is fair? Why am I not pleasing to them? Vague guess: “You just need a place for yourself and for your friends!” I reinforce my “paranoia” with a memory from the last seminar: “We don’t accept you into the group, but you insist so much that I want to call the police.” So what about the police? Why were you invited then? And what is my crime? The fact is that I, like many here, want to take a place in the group. But it would be nice to figure out whose aggression this is? Only mine? And is this aggression? How can I threaten? Why am I being ignored? How am I different? How can I harm? How can I definitely help? Do they know about this? What am I like for them now? I feel my experience: “I want someone not to be in the group just becausethat I’m afraid to meet not with him, but with myself, the way I wouldn’t like to see myself.” Therefore, I remain silent and prepare to meet any other “I” through any other. No, things are not quite the same now as they were then. In a kind voice they advise that it would be more beneficial for me to stay in a circle and listen, but I can already hear everything I need. There are few advisers, and this advice would probably suit them, but will they listen if they also need to take the place of their “beloved”. However, I agree that I don’t always feel that it’s better for me, but not this time. I remember an ironic but significant remark from the audience: “Egoism is when he is more interested in himself than in me.” (Laughter. And I laugh too). Who can decide who is in the circle and who is not? I'm sure it's not always me. And now I am sure that others are not always the same. I feel separation and opposition. In my mind's eye, it's like a dinner party with a ranking table. I'm not with them yet. This is my difficulty not only here, but also in my big life. How to deal with it? The experience of past seminars suggests that we are together, that we are “for” and not against. But this is only experience, sincerity barely breaks through. Who am I willing to give in to? Is this question from the mind or from the heart? So far everything is opposed, and there is no trust in anyone. Only now I understand that I was not alone. The experience of past seminars is intensifying, and now I am not only ready to give in, but I already know for whose benefit I will do it. This is not one person, there are several of them, half a group. But only one gets up and I’m ready to leave in her place, more out of feeling than out of benefit. Can I trust myself now? So little time to understand, but enough to do and I do. The action can no longer be undone, and I become different. The action has witnesses. The witness on the left stands up and is ready to go “for”, not against. Another witness, only to the right, gets up and leaves. I don’t have time to evaluate and understand her action, but she did something important for me. Only now I ask the question: “What did she get for herself? How much do I owe? And what is my duty? However, the selection situation has ended. My sincerity is not enough to be grateful on time and adequately. Understanding is hopelessly behind and can no longer be relied upon. I'm still grateful. I don’t have time to find a way to express gratitude, another action begins. Therapeutic intensity as promised. The experience of past seminars and this seminar have common features. This is a flow of healing events, these are actions leading to important discoveries, changes and achievements, this is the balance of Spirit, Soul and body that remains in Eternity. These words have a high level of abstraction, and I could not immediately feel them, but they express the main general principle of what is happening here. It is possible to accept these abstractions and fill them with deep meaning only through immersion and living. A special word for me now is the word eternity. My value now becomes that which does not depreciate over the years. There is probably a higher level that I am not aware of, but that is not what I am here for yet. A bank of difficulties for participants in the circle is being collected. This can hardly be called a respite. The stage of formulating your difficulties is very important, because wherever you send the ship, that’s where it will come. I note that at this stage I deeply sympathize with everyone, because... I know from experience how difficult it is. And I am grateful to those who boldly stated their difficulties, things that I would like to work with, but were afraid or did not realize how important it was. They were guides, showing the way. Thank you, Alexander Efimovich, he helped a lot as a presenter. This time he softened my formulation of the difficulty, and it became clearer and easier for me. “The port of arrival is designated.” Well, good luck! The first day of work I was acutely aware of my difficulty, but could not find an appropriate interval to present it. There were others, and I agreed that it was their time, not my time. Everything happened spontaneously when it was time for a large group. My work and the help that has come are best represented to me through the followingZen parable-metaphor called “The Doors of Heaven.” Here are its contents. The time has come to become interested in the spiritual world, good and evil, and the samurai Nobushige, who had gone through many battles, came to the Zen teacher Hakuin and asked him if there really is HEAVEN and HELL. - Who are you? – asked his teacher Hakuin. “Samurai,” answered Nobushige. “Are you a samurai?” – Hakuin exclaimed, “what kind of ruler could take you as a guard?” You have a face like a beggar! The enraged warrior grabbed his sword. - Huh? “So you even have a sword,” the old teacher continued. “I suppose you’re stupid, just like you.” You won’t kill anyone with such a sword. An angry warrior with a drawn sword stepped towards the old man, but he smiled softly and said quietly: “This is how the gates of HELL open.” These words stunned Nobushige. Hiding the sword, he bowed to the master with respect. “And this is how the doors of HEAVEN open,” said the teacher. Everything that happened in my work was neither a discussion nor a provocation, everything was truly like in life, only with a great delay of about twenty to thirty years. I was adamantly convinced that hell existed on its own and did not depend on me. Well, at the very least, others are clearly to blame, as in Aesop’s fable “The Wall and the Wedge,” in which the wall asks the wedge, “Why are you torturing me?” And the wedge answers her: “It’s not my fault, but the one who hits me from behind!” That evening I still managed to see how the gates of heaven opened slightly. I also express gratitude to those who were in the same boat with me, which I myself rocked. These are Robertas, Anatoly, Semyon and Iolanta. It's very interesting how everything was for them. This work can also be summed up in metaphorical form. This time I am presented with an anecdote that I heard from Alexander Efimovich. Part of this anecdote states (very tellingly and understandably) that the neurotic knows that two and two are four, but he is terribly unhappy with this. I experienced a deep spiritual change, I still know that two and two are four, but now I am quite pleased with this. The healing mechanism seems to me like a miracle, but it is good therapy (the given result is not random). At the moment, I can describe what happened to me in the group only through sensations and images, because a lot happened in a short period of time and it will take at least a year to assimilate it. But you can also notice, but in a business style, that the problem is considered solved if you no longer have to pay for it. A month later, I can say with a light heart that I sometimes feel this difficulty, but I don’t need outside help to solve it. And the most important criterion, if I say this again, is that I have lost interest in her, and I feel it is possible to act completely differently. I know that the time will come and I will simply forget about it. And then I knew that this was not all. To describe what follows, another statement by Alexander Efimovich is suitable: we live on a salary, but rejoice on a bonus. Especially if it comes unexpectedly. Such a gift was Martinas’s phrase that he spits on the image of God in himself. How precise and to the point. How often have I forgotten who I spit on, although I did it in relation to both myself and others. Realizing this changes things completely. In truth, we do not know what we are doing. And Martinas is the case when someone else showed me my best path. Apparently the word is different and, indeed, from the word friend. I didn’t immediately understand how important this was for me, but Alexander Efimovich included me in this situation and gave me an outwardly not very attractive task. I'm not very sure about this, but it seemed to me that he made a malicious face at me when he instructed me what to do. I did not expect such a turn, but after a while I once again understand that psychotherapy is a treatment not only with words. A few hours later, and of my own free will, I felt a new approach to my life: “You should not spit on the image of God, either in yourself or in others.” Life changed when I changed myself. How many times have I heard this.