Why do I need a relationship in which there is no happiness? This is what some girls think when their partner begins to cause tension and irritate them. They come to therapy with the request “Everything in life is fine, but relationships are not going well.” In reality, it looks like this: at the slightest quarrel, the first ones end the relationship; they cannot relax in the presence of a man; they see no point in discussing and solving problems; initially they choose “difficult” men. Girls run away from relationships that at first glance seem stable. And all because they don’t feel safe. And you can build close relationships only in a state of relaxation and trust. When, since childhood, girls have only seen couples in which there was indifference, quarrels or disappointment, then they firmly decide “I don’t want that.” The brain has built a chain of “relationships = danger.” And no matter how reliable the partner is, until the girl breaks this attitude within herself, she will avoid intimacy. After all, intimacy for her is vulnerability, weakness or pain. Such girls are skeptical about any manifestations of feelings. Often strict parents put a ban on feelings and any “weaknesses”. Then the girls go out into adulthood with the poster “I am strong, I don’t need anyone.” But you need it, and your hands are tired from the tension of holding a poster with other people’s imposed restrictions. Girls really want love, and they understand with their heads that such relationships are real. But while there is no clear understanding of exactly how they want, they will end up in already familiar situations. Our heroines are usually very beautiful, smart and purposeful. And they choose the appropriate men: status, prominent and reliable, like Audi. A high level of the norm does not allow choosing someone “simpler,” but due to low self-worth, a desire arises to match the chosen man. And the need to constantly hold the image causes discomfort and anxiety. Before starting a relationship with the goal of “treating” a partner, it would be nice to study yourself and understand your behavior strategies. When a person allows himself to feel, he begins to live in trust and openness to the world. Action plan for those who avoid intimacy in relationships: Remember the first experience of hardening and work through this situation. Think about whether you are transferring your childhood fear of abandonment and loneliness into your relationships now? Make sure that there is no emotional attachment or feelings to past relationships. When there is no desire to jump into a new relationship in order to “forget yourself.” Describe your feelings when you are in a relationship: What kind of woman am I now? How do I want to be next to a man? Work through the fear of rejection (MUST HAVE). Analyze behavioral scenarios in your family. Do not repeat or mirror the script of your mother/grandmother or other women significant to you. Give yourself the right to express all feelings, including learning to experience pain. Understand exactly what kind of relationship you want based on your values, not your deficits. Learn to fill all your deficits yourself. Add to yourself everything that you were not given in childhood: love, care, tenderness, warmth, gifts, freedom, etc. This is a basic set of actions that I advise you to do. For some, only one exercise will be enough, for others, new horizons of work may open up in the process. No one will tell you about this in advance; even you have no idea what potential lies inside until you look there. Therapy is the path. But the path is exciting, educational and inspiring). I am glad to invite you to a diagnostic express consultation for free