In a forced overheard conversation on a minibus, a woman shared her impressions on the phone about her friend’s son (not a quote, but the general meaning): “What a child she has! He’s perfect, not like ours. She doesn’t cry, she doesn’t throw hysterics, she’s independent, she’s so smart, she understands everything, she can come to an agreement and explain things to him, she doesn’t suffer at all. She started working immediately after giving birth, after only 3 months, and she didn’t have to sit next to him. Now he’s already 4.5.” I’m sitting (forcedly, still in the minibus), waiting for her to tell her interlocutor about the price for such independence of a child (at 4.5 years old!). After 10 minutes, she moves from admiration and envy to sympathy - the child has health problems, severe allergies... This is exactly what a child looks like who has developed an emotional connection with a parent of the avoidant type. He appears to be autonomous, independent, a "little adult" and (often) has health problems. When the mother leaves, such a child shows that this does not bother him, he is calm and sometimes even seems indifferent. When the mother returns, the child does not greet her, does not run to her and does not try to climb into her arms, he does not radiate joy, just as he is not upset. His gaze is directed either in the other direction, or turned to the occupation for which he was left. Most often, this is exactly what parents expect from a child: so that he learns to cope with stress without tears and screams, preferably on his own. If during the first year of life a child is faced with the fact that no one comes to calls and screams, or, even worse, they cause anger and irritation, and his desire to cuddle and climb into his arms is suppressed, then he learns to hide his need for help and support. In the arsenal of a parent who establishes avoidant attachment, phrases with the help of which support are expressed are the following: “it’s okay,” “nothing.” happened”, “don’t cry”, “it’s your own fault”, “don’t pretend that you’re in pain”, “if you don’t listen, now you’ll know”, “you’ll calm down later” and so on. The child begins to hide feelings and show the behavior that which is expected and approved by parents, becomes ideal, comfortable, calm. But modern research has shown that these children are deprived of inner peace. Children with an avoidant type of emotional connection experience stress when parting with loved ones. This is evidenced by objective indicators: the pulse quickens, stress hormones are released. Due to the fact that it is impossible to express their emotions, stress finds its expression in the form of psychosomatic reactions, so such children often complain of pain, nausea, they have problems sleeping, in the worst case, this manifests itself as chronic diseases. The type of emotional connection is formed before the first 5 years of life. After this, it can gain a foothold, and in the future it is reproduced in relationships with other people, friends, partners, and one’s own children. Parents who establish an avoidant emotional connection with their children, as a rule, also inherited a certain style of behavior from their parents, and they, in turn, adopted it from the older generation. In a relationship with a partner, a person with an avoidant attachment seems distant and detached. Rarely opens up and talks about himself and his experiences. It may be difficult for him to recognize the feelings of another and share them. An emotional connection of an avoidant type in childhood can become a prerequisite for the emergence of “counterdependence” or “addiction of avoidance”. To establish a reliable healthy attachment between an adult and a child, the following is necessary: ​​- a constant significant adult in the first year life (mom, dad, grandmother does not matter), providing care and concern; - sensitive behavior towards the child (attentive to calls for help, the desire to understand what the child wants to communicate, actions to meet the child’s needs and in the interests of child); - the opportunity to fulfill the need for cognition and sensory perception of the world (availability of incentives.