I wanted exclusivity, but I got exclusion. This happens when the most important thing in the world is to become the very best... the best, beautiful, smart, successful, loved. Then you have to do everything perfectly, show yourself only from the best side, always be cheerful, witty, well-groomed, with an ideal figure. Is it possible to always be like this? Is it possible not to get tired of such internal pressure on yourself? The answer is obvious, but how unpleasant it is... parting with an ideal picture can be so painful. And so, in order to give ourselves at least a little break from obligations or not wanting to show ourselves as not good/beautiful/smart enough, etc., we begin to avoid communication. We close ourselves off from people, we can cancel a meeting or even decide that others don’t need us as we are. This is how the thirst for exclusivity makes us excluded. We exclude ourselves from the lives of other people and often from our own. Exclusiveness was supposed to be a guarantee that we would always be loved and chosen. It’s scary to allow yourself even a little bit of imperfection, not to be original and generally just be, without controlling yourself, without checking every movement and phrase. It's scary because it's vulnerable. And vulnerability is insecurity, the loss of support based on control. It’s better not to be with anyone than to be vulnerable and allow even the slightest chance of being hurt by others. Ideality, exclusivity is the very distance from which it is safe to manifest itself, let them admire and idolize, no matter that there is emptiness and bitterness of loneliness inside. Let them admire and strive to be like you, let them dream of conquering, let them envy... let... so sweetly you can lull yourself to sleep with these speeches. Let... let... let..oh, but for some reason, it still hurts, it’s still sad... let... but it’s safe... What’s the end result? The bottom line is the bitterness of resentment, because no matter how hard you try, you can’t achieve the ideal. Exception seems to prove to us that: “here, look! NO ONE needs you like that! Everyone has turned their backs on you!” but often we don’t notice that we ourselves turn away and are excluded.